die (verb) 1. To cease living; become dead; expire. 2. To cease existing. 3. To be destroyed, as in combat.

Nancy Grace & Keith Olbermann
Posted by CaptainKickback on Sunday, January 25 2009
Die. Die! DIE!! Double Feature. It has been a while since we added someone to the Die list, so here is a two-fer – Nancy Grace and Keith Olberman. Let's face it, these are insufferable turd-squeezers you would not invite over even if you were just grilling some sauerkraut.

Nancy Grace – Holy Christ, what a shrill, screeching, noisy old harpy. She never, ever lets a guest know that it is her show and that she used to be a prosecuting attorney, facts which she makes abundantly clear. If she disagrees with what is being said, she will cast venom, spite and vitriol on the person and prevent them from speaking further. To make things worse, she will rapidly skip from topic to topic like a child with ADD, and itchy finger and a remote. If that were not enough, she will hector, badger and berate people in her attempts to “get to the truth,” which usually involves the disappearance/murder of cute Caucasian kids and attractive Caucasian women. On her show, she gleefully tries, convicts and executes the likely suspects, regardless of their guilt or innocence, usually while also trying to cram her words into the mouths of other. But you know what the real scary part is? The harpy is married and spawned twins. I suspect the guy is secretly flamingly gay and is just a beard, because no man or woman could tolerate her long enough to fuck her.

Keith Olberman – Remember back in high school, there was always one little bitch who was a smarmy, oily know-it-all who delighted in making everyone seem inferior because he thought he was so superior. He was the same little cunt who when someone got mad enough to punch his ticket, immediately ran to the teacher or principal and complained, proving to everyone just what a little bitch he was. Yeah, one of those guys grew up to be Keith Olberman. He was an insufferable prick when he was on ESPN and was so full of himself he left ESPN convinced the world was going to beat a path to his door for his services. Well, he bounced around to two or three other cable networks and finally plopped on MSNBC like a loose cow turd. He is still the same smarmy, shitty sportscaster he always was, who now thinks he is a journalist and thinks journalism mans berating anybody you don’t like, while unabashedly sucking the cock of everyone you do like. He was a shitty sports guy and has morphed into a shitty news-oriented meat-puppet on a network with about as much integrity and honesty in their reporting as Fox News.

Method of execution:
I cannot be specific, but it involves a really big, sturdy, thick, burlap bag a dozen or so hungry badgers and two guys named Moose and Rocco with baseball bats – just to keep the action going.

Schlussel & Malkin - Squawking Harpies
Posted by Vladimyr on Thursday, May 29 2008

Debbie Schlussel & Michelle Malkin. Count them; one, two. Two new Enemies of the Orcish State. Screeching ignorant conservatives bent on spewing forth bullshit, fanaticism and sensationalism at every turn. The hatred I feel for these two cunts is unparalleled. They literally make me sad for the future of the United States and how the world views her. Their mixed words and skewed views are so far out of touch it's unfathomable. I see operating a suicide cult in one (or both) of their futures.

&

Tom Cruise - Grand Poobah of Scientology or just fucking shithouse crazy?
Posted by Vladimyr on Friday, February 1 2008

Okay, what the fuck? I've always found myself annoyed by this overly energetic hawk nosed cock gobbler. However, recently the annoyance has turned in to something else. A scientific study of sorts. The madness that spews forth from the keyboards of forum members has nothing on this fucking fruit loop. Watching him slip further and further into the tremendous depths of bullshit L. Ron Hubbard sold to the psychotic masses in the form of Scientology has been intriguing, distrubing and most of all hilarious. Here's a little taste of Tom showing the world why we're correct in believing that he is nuttier than squirrel shit:

Scientological Mindfuck Video

I find it interesting how getting a little fame and money makes people turn suddenly retarded and join off the wall religions. It also makes me want to beat them about the head and neck with a well oiled 2x4. It's like there's some kind of fuckhead switch that gets flipped when they climb high enough up the ladder. Why couldn't old Tom here just save us the trouble and swallow the barrel of a .38? I'll tell you why....so I can write this shit in a weak attempt to entertain you fucks.

Time to meet L. Ron Hubbard, Fucknut!!

Method of execution:
I will challenge him to a battle of the minds in which he will, in mock Tenacious D style, try to shoot me with mind bullets (that's telekinesys, Kyle). I will feign death to lure him in to my trap. When he approaches my seemingly lifeless corpse to attempt to Katie Holmes me in the ass I will leap from the ground, wedging my Orcish Battle Axe deep into his crazy infested skull. All of this will subsequently be shown in HD on Oprah alongside the all too well known "jumping on the couch" video. I will then proceed to the Cruise homestead to fuck the crazy out of Katie and impregnate her with my demon seed.

Chris Crocker - androgynous YouTube she-boy-whore
Posted by Vladimyr on Thursday, December 13 2007


YouTube has given a voice to every idiot, scumbag, freak and 13 year old shit talker on the internet. There's a lot to hate. However, one confused soul rises above the teaming masses of undulating human waste....Chris Crocker.

This sticky chinned pole gobbler managed to make an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live for his/her tearful rant in defense of Britney Spears. I suppose many of us would have defended her in hopes of one day telling her to get off our dicks and go do another line. That is right up until pictures of Britney's beaten and bewildered beef bucket hit the dub-dub-dub. I haven't looked at lunch meat the same since then. In response to the torrent of hateful responses (which only fuel this chick-dude's video posting) Chris(tine) posted a video inviting us all to eat her/his cornhole.

Time to die, HE BITCH!!

Method of execution:
Crocker will be thrown into a punji pit and buried alive by the millions of unsold copies of "The Crying Game" and the SNL flop "It's Pat".

Annoying fat pig or just a no-talent hack of a bull-dyke?
Posted by CaptainKickback on Sunday, July 22 2007

How is it that Rosie O’Donnell keeps getting shows and opportunities in show business while Ginger Lynn Allen and Tracy Lords are frozen out? As a stand up comic, Rosie O’Donnell was a hack. As an actor, she is fully capable of running the gamut of emotions and feelings, from A to B. And as a bonus, she gives full-on bull-dyke lezbos everywhere a bad name.

Those traits alone might qualify her for a Die! However, she has so much more to offer. This is a woman who has burned every bridge behind her. Remember her talk show? It was her little bully-pulpit to espouse her causes and to run down everyone who did not agree with her. She was high and mighty and full of herself until the day Tom Selleck came on her show. Ms. O’Donnell was going to show the NRA poster boy who was in charge and started to rail into Tom. But instead of rolling over politely, Tom shot back at point blank range with both barrels and gutted her. He pointed out that Rosie had no problems doing ads for and taking money from the company that was (at that time) the biggest seller of firearms in the USA. After that, it was down hill until the talk show ended. Thank you Tom Selleck!

Then there was the magazine Rosie. Oh joy. Because her name was on it, Rosie assumed she had complete control. Unfortunately, the contract she signed to get the magazine published gave final content and editorial say so to the executives at the parent company. When she finally discovered this (after content was shot down from on high), rather than admit she and her attorney had not fully read the contract and take her lumps like a real business person, she chose to throw a temper tantrum, claim the straight world was out to get her and quit like the candy-assed fat cunt she is.

And the topper? Being called out about her goofy 9/11 theories and anti-Christian stance by what’s-her-name- the-little-cute-blonde-married-to-Matt Hasselbeck and get torn to ribbons on national TV and no one came to her aid. Again, rather than take her lumps like a pro, she chose to whine, complain and leave in a snit.

For all these sins and for being a no-talent, shrill, shrieking harpy, Rosie O’Donnell deserves the ultimate penalty…..

Method of Execution:
It involves a huge luau pit, a spit, a fire and eventually some poi, pineapple and cases of beer and Rosie as the guest of honor, on the spit, with an apple crammed in her mouth……..

Don't be a damned candy-assed, fruit-whipped nancy-boy. Come be with your own kind in the forums.

Overused phrases
Posted by CaptainKickback on Saturday, January 27 2007

“Homey don’t play that.” “Fo’ shizzle.” “Oh snap!”

Mary, Mother of God! I swear on all that is holy and unholy that the next person I hear say that they are “bringin sexy back” or “you just got pwned dude!” I'm going to hit in the head with a brick, drag them into a dark, filthy alley and ass-fuck them until their eyes rattle around like bbs in a tin can. I am so goddamned sick of people tossing out pop-culture maxims like it's the cleverest thing they ever said, and they deliver it like they're the first person to ever think of using it. FUCK! You are not Dave Chapelle or Carlos Mencia, so STOP ALREADY!

Here is a prime example. Last week one of the professors at my college came up to me with a USB drive around his neck on a lanyard. He stopped me, and holds it up and asks me "You know what this is, right?" His eyes were full of the hopeful wonder of a child (or low grade moron) anticipating the opening of the biggest box on Christmas morn, potentially holding the “grail” item from his letter to Santa. I wagered a cautious "uh...a USB drive?” With the leaden delivery of Freddy Prinze (senior) he said "Geek bling!"

The uncomfortable silence was palpable, thicker than Queen Latifah’s thighs. It couldn't have been more awkward than if he'd asked me to tongue the underside of his nutsack. Actually I’d have preferred that, because after some mouthwash, the experience would have been forgotten. But no, now every time I see him in the hall I picture him watching MTV or more likely VH1 to restock his supply of played-out urban slang. I swear, if he starts acting like a white gangsta-gangsta wannabe, my Louisville slugger is going to have a little chat with him.

Method of Execution:
Anyone caught using pop culture slang after the wave has crested, usually by the time it hits common use in Bumfuck, Iowa and the “flyover states” in general, will have their eyeslids kept open so then can watch days and days of formerly hip clips and people (like Steve Urkel) until their minds are reduced to a gooey mass of easily manipulated protoplasm. Real horroshow!

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