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Some of the best web sites you may have never heard of –
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Charlie Brown Christmas - A tried and true chestnut that really put Charles Schulz and the whole Peanuts gang on the map. How good is this classic? Even Osama Bin Laden has a DVD of it. You want to groove on the holidays, pick up the soundtrack by the Vince Guaraldi Trio. The movie is cute, warm, friendly, preaches a positive message and guys, your main squeeze will curl up next to you as the movie can be an aphrodisiac. So watch it, rent it, own it, and get the sound track. And if you don’t like the movie, you are probably an alien and should be locked up and vivisected at secret US Army bases that don’t exist.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation – Laugh at the antics of the Griswold clan. Chortle at Randy Quaid in a powder blue leisure suit and an RV that looks like a rolling cess-pit. Guffaw at the half-senile relatives blundering around, just like your half-senile relatives. And enjoy the wonder of Beverly D’Angelo’s great legs and big breasts. If you know nothing about this movie it’s only because you are Amish or live in North Korea. All Clark W. Griswold wants is a “traditional” family Christmas. When it’s all said and done, the neighbor’s house is demolished, the meal has died, Randy Quaid kidnaps someone and the Griswold home looks like a warzone. Many of you would call this a typical holiday. Any movie with the line, “Hey there neighbor! The crapper was full up!” is a movie for the ages. If you don’t watch this movie, the terrorists win.
A Christmas Story – Another modern classic. A tale of a kid who only wants a bb gun fro Christmas and the trials and tribulations he goes through to convince his parents, relatives and Santa that he deserves it. Many a man will cringe when they hear the line, “But you’ll put your eye out with it.” And of course there is the typical idiotic acts that occur in winter in the northern climes. Like the kid who sticks his tongue on cold metal. Or dad with an absolutely hideous item that he thinks is the greatest thing since fire. Or mom who has become crazed trying to get through the holidays with perfect meals, a clean house and idiots for husband and kids. Again, this is called reality for many folks. Bushmen in the Kalahari understand the universality of the movie.
March of the Wooden Soldiers – Laurel and Hardy as inept elves working in Toy Land. “I thought he said 100 six foot tall soldiers.” For Christ’s sake it’s Laurel and Hardy! It will enthrall the little tykes, amuse the kids and provide the parents with a humor-filled respite. It’s worth it just to watch the big finale.
A Christmas Carol – The Dickens classic has been done in many different ways and almost all of them are good. There is the classic English version from the late 1930’s, or the George C. Scott version, or even the Bill Murray version (Scrooged). Or relive your childhood by watching the Disney version or the Mr. Magoo version (if you have the stones). There is even a Muppet version. You cannot go wrong when you swing with this one. Also the animated and Muppet versions will entertain the kids while the parents get all nogged up.
The Grinch Who Stole Christmas – There is ONLY one version of this movie and that is the animated classic from the 60’s. If you watch any other version you will burn in Hell. You know you love it, you know you sing along to the songs and then you ask dad to carve the roast beast when you get ready to eat. Even the President of Iran loves this movie.
The Ref – Not exactly a Christmas movie, but after seeing the really screwed family in this flick, your family will look relatively normal. Dennis Leary plays a thief who ends up taking a family hostage as he tries to get out of a Podunk New England town. Dennis thought his life was screwed up until he becomes the de facto family counselor for a family filled with pussy-whipped men, indecisive passive/aggressive women, out of control (out of their mind) kids and a family matriarch less lovable than Adolf Hitler at a bar mitzvah. You will watch it and recognize some, if not all of your family, in one form or another, in the film.
Brian’s Song – This may be the only movie where it is okay for men to cry. Filmed in 1971 it is the true story of Chicago Bears running back Brian Piccolo and his fatal fight with cancer. It stars James Caan as Piccolo and the Billy Dee Williams as Gale Sayers. Good acting and great football scenes, back in the era when Butkus was synonymous with pain. Watch it and get sympathy sex from your mate, for showing a sensitive side.
North Dallas Forty – The movie is based on the book of the same name and roughly portrays the Dallas Cowboys during their transition from the Dandy Don/Walt Garrison era to the corporate “America’s Team” under Roger Staubach. This stars Mac Davis and Nick Nolte and is a decent little flick. DO NOT get Semi-Tough, which was Burt Reynolds remake of The North Dallas Forty. I swear to God, if you get Semi-Tough I will personally tear out your heart and feed it to my dog.
Knute Rockne, All American – From 1940. Notre Dame football, the legendary Knute Rockne (as portrayed by Pat O’Brien) and as a bonus, learn why President Reagan got the nickname “The Gipper.” Knute Rockne was an All American player at Fordham and was one of the “Seven Blocks of Granite” anchoring the line. Better known as the coach who first dared to use the forward pass. Good movie and good times.
Remember the Titans– Not so much a football movie as a movie about a segregated southern town coming together behind its high school football team, which has just become integrated. Denzel Washington plays the coach hired to lead the team. A microcosm of the Old South as it began to integrate. It is based on real events, circa 1971. Watch it and be thankful, that most of the racist pinheads have faded into history.
Invincible – A true story of bartender Nick Papale becoming a wide receiver for the Phiwy Iggles. This occurred in the 1970s when the Iggles stank on ice and Phiwy was in a seeming death spiral. This is the town that at one football game booed Santa Claus. The Iggles fans of that era make any Raiders fan look like a pussy. How tough was the city and the fans? The stadium had a jail and court in the basement. Vince Papale was a bartender who played a year of high school football who decides to go to an Iggles open tryout and makes the team. He played 3 seasons for Dick Vermeil and the Iggles, but exemplifies true Iggles football – rough, kind of ugly and brutal and hard as nails. “Concrete Charlie” Bednarik would approve. Should be okay in the theater and a definite must see when it gets to the small screen. You get to watch football, and the ladies get to see Mark Wahlberg – that’s a win-win scenario boys.
The Junction Boys – the biographical account of Paul “Bear” Bryant’s initial months as head coach of Texas A&M. Obsessive, brutal, and a real asshole. You get a glimpse into the megalomania that was Coach Bryant. A coach who equates football to war – which does not set well with one player’s dad, who served in the Pacific in WWII. It does not sugar coat what an incredible ass Coach Bryant could be. 
Horse Feathers – Three words – The Marx Brothers. Groucho is appointed president of Huxley University and typical Marx Brothers insanity ensues. The movie is capped off with a football game between Huxley and their chief rival, Darwin. You get bonus points if you can connect the dots. Naturally the boys are involved, along with a dog and a garbage can chariot. Screen legend and murder victim (?) Thelma Todd makes a good foil to each Marx Brother.
I'm not going to say this movie was bad. I will, however, say it was comparable to having to sit through my own circumcision sans the anesthesia while watching a cow get open-heart surgery. Was it bad? At times. Was it good? ...No, not really.
Based on the children's book by CS Lewis, TCN:LWW (abbreviated to save time) is the tale of Lucy, Edward, Peter, and Susan who, upon finding a magical-ish wardrobe, are transported to the whimsical land of Narnia, a snow-covered land ruled be the evil Ice Queen (played by the quite bonerific Tilda Swinton). Everyone in Narnia is hot for the kids, but nobody is willing to spill the beans as to why. All of a sudden shit goes bad as Eddie is taken captive by the Ice Queen and the other 3 are told they are the children foretold in a prophecy to save the land from the Witch. It felt like I had been watching the movie for 5 hours at this point, and nobody had died and there wasn't even an explosion. Weak. 
I would go into more detail, but it really isn't worth it. There's a badass lion named Aslan, a bunch of pissed off-looking centaurs, and the Ice Queen has a chariot pulled by polar bears. Those three items, along with a fairly decent, if not a tad short, battle between the forces of good and evil at the end, were the only redeeming qualities to the movie. The acting was kind of weak, and some of the dialogue bordered on gay innuendo.
Idle Hands is not a great movie. In fact, some would say it sucks. Those people are also queer, so who really gives a shit what they have to say? This movie is good for a couple of reasons. Reason one: Jessica Alba. Oh yeah, I would do naughty things to this sassy lassie given the opportunity (or some Rohypnol, a van, and a sleazy motel room…hypothetically speaking). Reason #2 for this movie’s rock-a-tude: Zombies. Hell yeah. You’ve got your standard cliché I-can’t-control-my-zombie-hand scene; and your not so standard stoner-zombie-buddies-back-from-the-dead-just-to-sit-around-and-smoke-ganja zombies. And yes, I did just bash my hyphen key with a hammer, never to be used agai------ ahhh!!! Zombie hyphens!!!
Ahem. Anyway, back to the movie. The film stars Devon Sawa as Anton, a stoner so lazy that he becomes a target for a hand possessing demon. Idle hands are the devil’s playground. See the film is called Idle Hands. Ha, that some good stuff. You may remember Sawa from such classics as some Eminem video that I saw once and said, “Man, that sucked”. I think it was called Stan or some shit. God, I’m getting old. So Anton’s hand becomes possessed and goes ape-dung. And by ape-dung I mean kills a metric fuck-ton of people. Or maybe 5, I’m bad with conversions. His hand flips out and ices his two stoner buddies (played by Seth Green and Elden Henson, very funny duo in this one), only instead of going to the light, the guys just say fuck it. I mean, it was really far and there was all this lame music, kinda like Enya. So now doomed to walk the Earth as Zombies they resolve to help Anton get rid of his evil hand and help him get some sweet Alba ass. 
The movie wraps up at the local high school Halloween dance. Anton takes Molly (Jessica Alba) as his date and the evil hand tries to suck her into some strange alternate universe, or maybe hell. Not sure. Don’t care. Ms. Alba is in this tiny little pajama angel outfit thing and her ass is looking mighty fine. Oh, and the final scene involves a bong made entirely from auto parts, complete with pressure gauges. The boys in auto shop are artists to be sure. As I mentioned earlier Vivica A. Vampire Slayer comes in with the Sacred Knife of Zombie-Hand slaying and the day is saved. All is well and you’ve just wasted ninety-two minutes of your life. Go you! 
Dante Hicks is a sad man. Not just in life, but spiritually beaten as well. Early one morning, Dante is called by his boss to come in early and open the convenience store, even though he's not supposed to work that day. Hilarity ensues.
Later in the day, Dante's co-worker and movie rental store worker Randall comes in. Randall is a man who hates his job with a passion. Well, maybe not his job, but the customers. Randall's flagrant disregard for policy, authority, and anybody but himself leaves him plenty of time to do what he enjoys most, opening a nudie magazine and bothering Dante.
I'm not sure how I want to describe this movie. The feeling I got when the main theme sounded and "Star Wars" crossed the screen was something more than euphoria. It was more than joy, happiness, or a feeling of warmth. I knew before the first blaster fired, before I saw the first Wookie, and before R2D2 totally owns 4 droids by his little self that this was going to be a great movie. It was going to be the movie that restored the faith many had lost on the first two.
Everyone knows the plot of Revenge of the Sith: Anakin Skywalker, the Jedi prophesized to destroy the Sith and bring balance to the Force, converts to the Dark Side and murders the Jedi, becoming Darth Vader. Despite fucking up Episode I, and to a lesser extent Episode II, George Lucas made the third installment of the saga great in that the movie isn't about war and love like the first two. This movie is about the fall of the best of Jedi. The dark feeling the movie gives you is masterfully used to trace Anakin's fall.
Another thing that I thought was sweet was the references to the other movies. Chewbacca makes an appearance, as well as the Death Star, and the brief story of Yoda's exile is revealed, among other things that you'll just have to see to appreciate.
The Cable Guy stars Matthew Broderick and Jim Carrey. Ben Stiller directed it. Yes, that Ben Stiller. This is a buddy film. Yes a film of friendship and crazed television addicted stalkers. Grab a Heineken, pop in the DVD, and prepare for a hilariously creepy great time. 
Things aren’t going well for Stephen Kovacs (Broderick). He has just separated from his girlfriend and moved into his own apartment. This is where our story begins. Stephen’s television has no reception so he calls the cable guy to come and check it out. Cable guy Ernie ‘Chip’ Douglas (Carrey) comes to the call. The two strike up a conversation and decide to go out for a night on the town to help Stephen get his mind off his girl troubles. 
They proceed to go out more often and it becomes apparent that Chip may not be all there. He calls Stephen every minute and leaves crazy messages on his machine. There is a fantastically creepy/hilarious scene between the two in medieval combat at the restaurant Medieval Times. The movie is worth seeing for this scene alone. 
Chip throws an awesome karaoke jam at Stephen’s house. Stephen gets laid by an elfish looking chick and in the morning he feels like a new man. Only problem is the chick he banged was a whore that Chip bought him. Stephen is disgusted and tells Chip to go to hell. At this point the movie takes a turn. Chip goes crazy, he frames Stephen for grand theft. It seems the equipment from the karaoke jam was stolen. Then Chip tries to steal Stephen’s girlfriend. 
This movie leaves you with a weird feeling. You’re not sure if you want to laugh or hide in fear. Carrey is a master; he proves with this character that he is more than a wacky physical comedy goon. He’s still a human cartoon in this one, but damn the guy is freaky too. Watch this movie. Jack Black is in it, that alone makes it worth watching. 
I don’t normally do movie reviews, mainly because my tastes are my own and may very well differ from the readers’ tastes. But, recently I had the opportunity to catch the movie “One Night at McCool’s.”
Randy's cousin Carl (Paul Reiser) is driven crazy by Randy's incredibly sexy girl. He tries to put the moves on her and she is willing to go along. He might be a nebbish, but he has more money than his brother Randy. Of course, the earlier rape and shooting are being investigated by the police, in the form of investigating officer, Detective Dehling (John Goodman). He may be a cop, but he recognizes a seriously hot woman when he sees one. Naturally, he puts the moves on Jewel too.
What really makes this movie is the red-headed female lead, who spends the movie in either low cut dresses, or tight tops and shorts. To quote the Rolling Stones, “You make a grown man cry, you make a dead man cum.” Did I mention she is a red-head? Did I mention the red-head is Liv Tyler! 
I can use three little words to sum up this entire movie. What the fuck?
At the very least, my interest was piqued. The movie starts out with Napoleon, a horribly nerdy high school student and the main character, standing in front of his house waiting for the bus. As he gets on the bus you realize that he's the only kid over the age of 10 on the entire bus. One of the kids asks him, "Hey, Napoleon, what are you gonna do today?" He responds, "Whatever I want! Gosh!!" It just gets a little more odd as the movie continues.
I found the movie to have some very funny parts mixed in with a lot of "what the fuck was that" moments. If you watch it, you too will wonder why Napoleon tried to feed Tina the llama a plate full of ham. You'll ponder as to why Pedro said "build her a cake" instead of "make" or even "bake." And yes, he does say "numb-chucks" and the wolverines were going to kill his cousins.| Copyright © 2003-2004 AngryOrcs.com | Home | Orchive | Ask Whorina | Rants | Movies | Die!! | Forums | Links | About Us |
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