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Something's fishy
Posted by Whorina on Wednesday, August 30 2006
Today's question comes (so to speak) from a confused Scanda-hoovian guy. I love Scanda-hoovian guys, they tend to be big, strong, durable and dumb as a sack of hammers.
From: ###### ######## <#######_#######@#######.com>
To: "Whorina"
Subject: Fish stick?
Dear Whorina,
My girlfriend's been complaining that my man juice tastes and smells like herring. Now, aside from the obvious question of how the hell that is a bad thing (???!), she has suggested that I make drastic changes to my diet in order to circumvent this "problem".
She says it's the least I can do - I say rich people spend millions of dollars buying summer homes in order to enjoy the bracing smell of the sea!
Which of us is correct?
Sincerely
NOT Not the Pastry
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We'll just call you Chum. Not because we're friends, but because you seem to think the smell of dead fish is a turn on.
First off, unless you want to fuck a shark, fish-scented man-goo is a gigantic turn-off for the guy, I mean "girl" sucking your herring-bone.
Do you enjoy getting your dick sucked? Of course you do. Want to continue to get it sucked regularly? of course you do. Change your diet, otherwise your junk will stay in the trunk and gather dust.
it isn't about who is right or wrong, it's about busting your nut all over her face. besides, if she smells and tastes good for you, you gotta do the same for her. Otherwise, you'll be like all the guys in Denmark - sad, lonely, pent-up horndogs whose spoo smells like bad tuna. You don't want to be like that do you?
Try some pineapple juice and cranberry juice until he, or she, is telling you how great your home made chowder tastes. Plus you can use the juices in cocktails to get he liquored up and in the mood.
Send in your sex questions and learn the real deal.....
Another quick draw...
Posted by Whorina on Friday, July 29 2005
From: ###### ######## <#######_#######@#######.com>
To: "Whorina"
Subject: ejaculation
i have a problem...and it has to do with my sex life...and i'm hoping that the beautiful whorina will be able to help me out...when i fornicate with my significant other...i find that i blow it too fucking soon...and im talking 90% of the time being within 1 minute of penetration...and my significant other...well she doesn't really like it...for her sake...and my ego...please help me
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Okay, we're gonna call you Typical. I think the reason is obvious. This seems to be a real problem. I hope it ain't an epidemic. I don't want to have to go full on lesbo but I ain't afraid to do it.
Now then, you at least did something right and called me beautiful. Even a Sexual Beast such as myself likes to be reminded of how fucking hot she is. I'd be willing to give you some lessons if you aren't afraid of the possibility of death by fucking. That's right, Boy! This pussy has claimed lives! They don't call it Mean Green just to be cute. I'll fucking rape your ass.
In the meantime, to build your stamina try fucking fat ugly bitches. You're guaranteed to last longer in the sack with a blimped out bog beastie. Besides, I'm sure your girl is fucking other people right now anyway. You could also try putting a little tobasco sauce in your armpits before you start. Why? Don't question me! I'll come to your house and eat your Momma's pussy, Chump! That and it would be some funny shit to see.
If none of this helps at least you'll have burnt ass armpits and the adoration of unfuckable fat girls everywhere. That's gotta count for something.
-W.
Huh?
Posted by Whorina on Friday, July 29 2005
From: Grounds for Reading <######@#################.com>
To: "Whorina"
Subject: ogress trouble
Your Excellency, Whorina, 'Tul'u & Izzy here, & we're @ a cafe in Chaotown, alberta,canada(earth) & our friend sarah zee barista (& tea leaf extraordinaire) iz this transsexual valkyrie/viking being stalked by an ogress of the high plains; she's haunting the cafe & leaving endless streams uv suggestive messages on sarah's machine, all just cuz
sarah flashed her one day( now don't think we're makin' this up!)
we just like to make mad madness of the crazy love lovin' in the office!
well, we know what to do... of course kill her!
but we find the situation hillarious and would like to share notes with you as to how, particularly to go about solving this problem for our shy (though potentially ragging berserker) friend bewildered in these devil-blessed foothills.
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Uh huh. You bitches is crazy. There ain't no such motherfucking thing as ogres.
-W.
Care for a spot of tea?
Posted by Whorina on Friday, July 29 2005
From: ##### ######### <##_#####@#####.com>
To: "Whorina"
Subject: hi
hi
Is there any problem in having honey with tea during pregnancy.please reply
back at my id ##_#####@#####.com.
thanx
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Okay, Sugar, we're gonna call you Honey. Why? Because I'm feeling unoriginal today. M'kay?
I think there is a problem with having honey in your tea during pregancy. If I remember correctly it can make you extremely fucking stupid. Oh shit, after reading your email again it looks like you've already been affected. You had better terminate your pregnancy, Sweetie. We don't need to bring anymore "honey" babies into this world. Isn't there enough pain to go around?
-W.
Quickly....quickly now.
Posted by Whorina on Friday, July 29 2005
From: ### ##### <###########@#####.com>
To: "Whorina"
Subject:
Dear Whorina:
hey, im a 17 year kid, i want help caue everytime i fuck i cum way early, so i go through a lot of condoms and i don't like that, also i jack off a lot too does that have anything to do with it, what can i do to not cum so fast. thanks
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What's up, Gus? That's right, I used your real name! Fuck you. It's my column and I'll do what I want. What? What!?! That's what I thought...Whorian is feelin' mean, Bitch!
Anyway, it looks like you have what scientists refer to as "Two Pump Chump Syndrome." Obviously you don't jack off enough. I realize that you're young, dumb and full of cum, but Honey...for real. Spank it before you get to fuckin'. Put on two rubbers to help your sensitive ass go a little further. Shit, put some Anbesol on your little weenie to numb it up if you have to.
I bet your boyfriend gets pissed when you cum too fast....
-W.
Circle of sex-life
Posted by Whorina on Tuesday, March 22 2005
From: #### ##### <###############@#####.com>
To: "Whorina"
Subject: unending cycle
Dear Whorina:
I am 17 years old male and I live in Colorado. I seem to have a problem with my sex life however. I have noticed a recuring cycle. I dont have a girlfriend and so i get no sexual relief, and so i jack off a lot. However, ihave noticed that when i jack off, I dont really have a lot of sexual interest- i have shot my load and so i dont really flirt with the girls. I have also noticed that when i dont jack off for a little while, i start talking to the girls a lot- but then the lack of girlfriend thing hits me and i jack off again. As you can see, i am stuck in a viscous cycle- i jack off, so i dont get a girlfriend, and i dont have a girlfriend, so i jack off. Any suggestions to break the cycle? Or do you think just beating it is better? Hopefully, you hace a good answer for me.
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Obviously, we're going to call you Jack. Now listen; there ain't nothing wrong with self love. I'm sure you all know I flick the bean around from time to time....or every chance I get. Hell, I'd do it right now if I could type with one hand. The problem starts when you stop being interested in fucking something other than your fist. Something about that just ain't right. I mean, I can fuck two guys, eat some pussy, get a strap on up the ass, swallow a load or four and still feel the need to plunge the happy whole before I go to bed.
Your best bet for breaking this "viscous" cycle is to get laid. Your best bet for getting laid is to find an ugly, possibly fat, girl that nobody likes. She will most likely be quick to give up the pussy. If that doesn't work, try hookers. If that doesn't work, try quadrapalegics.
-W.
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