Obligatory Christmas Musings
Posted by Vladimyr on Wednesday, December 19 2007

Nearly two thirds of the way into December it is hard to do much of anything without having an immeasurable dose of Christmas shoved in your face. This statement would have been equally true two weeks before the end of October. FUCK!!! Let Halloween have a turn before you put your pre-lit trees on sale for 60% off. It isn’t bad enough that I can’t find a fucking sweatshirt in stores during the coldest part of winter because the spring line has debuted. One month of Christmas is enough.

That being said, let’s talk a little about the whole "christianity" versus "Santa" argument. As most of us are likely to be aware, whether we care or not, the Christmas holiday is supposed to be a celebration of the birth of Jesus (not the short brown-skinned guy that mows your grass). Many christian groups find it quite disconcerting that children are growing up thinking it’s all about a fat, jolly man in a red suit who brings presents to all the good kids. It sounds to me like Santa is a kind, thoughtful, caring man who cares about the joy of all the children of the world more than anything. That fucker!!! Who the hell does he think he is? Oh wait. That is pretty christian of him, isn’t it? Well, apparently not in the way they think it should be. It’s this sort of hypocrisy in organized religion that turns me off to it. From this point on in this rant I will use the term Hypochristian to refer to these nut jobs.

Commercialism is also used by Hypochristians as a tool for explaining the lack of christ in Christmas. In response to the growing commercial behemoth that is the Christmas season the Hypochristians have bombarded the market with a plethora (yes he did!) of bumper stickers, t-shirts, hats, posters and other paraphernalia showcasing the wittiest of witty slogans, “Jesus is the Reason for the Season.” Holy shit!! Lyrical genius!! Somebody call Will Smith and Jazzy Jeff. With lyrics like that I see a new Fresh Prince tape in our future.

Thanks to my in-depth studies (translation: 10 minutes on Google) I would like to provide evidence proving that not only are the Hypochristians a bunch of hypocritical, self-righteous, judgmental pricks but they also don’t know their own source code. In their book, John 3:16 clearly states:

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

So, in accordance with the supposed words of Jesus (not the short dude with the trucker cap that washes dishes at the local diner) his pappy gave him up for mankind. Now, follow me here, Hypochristians that might be reading this (and if you are shame on you, I’m pretty sure it’s against your religion). That would make celebrating his death a celebration of the success and well being of mankind. So we, as human beings, are the reason for the season. Put that in your judgmental pipe and give it a toke, make-believers.

Getting back to the extreme overexposure of the Christmas season, let’s focus on the kids. Christmas is truly for the kids, isn’t it? It is at once the most joyful and most crushing of holidays. Let’s break kids into the two categories found on St. Nick’s list; naught and nice. For our purposes here we will change the category names ever so slightly.


Little Shits: These are the kids that spend the entire year fucking up at every turn. They have bad grades in school. They fuck with the dog, causing him to bark and maybe bite and get his ass kicked. They put gum in their sister’s hair. They kick their brother in the nuts and think that shit is funny. They scratch the deep rooted sphincter itch directly on the squashed spider, no underwear, and stick their fingers in your face. They need a serious ass-kicking.

Goody Fucking Two Shoes: They’ve been good all year in preparation for the disappointment Christmas morning will likely bring when they find out Mom and Dad weren’t able to get that Wii because some asshole was snatching them all up and selling them for a profit on eBay. They get good grades in school. They pet, water and feed the dog that looks at them with pure adoration and a wagging tail. They help their little sister put her hair in piggy tails. They help little brother to keep from getting kicked in the balls. They wash their hands after fingertip to dirty balloon knot contact. They make most of us sick.

Where do the "middle of the road" kids fit into the equation? Is a man that runs an operation as complex and impossible as Christmas in a position to view kids in such a black and white fashion? Coal or presents? What do these kids get? Presents covered in coal dust? Perhaps a new pet canary with the black lung? Santa, and his staff, have yet to return my inquiries. Just know I will continue the fight to get answers. I will not back down from a truly important story. I’m like that chick on the nightly news that over pronounces my Hispanic last name in an accent I don’t otherwise have and I aim to misbehave (Browncoats!!) if I don’t get my story!!

Now, can anyone tell me where my point went? Fuck! I have a tendency to do that. I guess that’s why they call it a rant. Either way, have a Merry Christmas. Fuck that "Happy Holidays" shit. I’m wishing Merry Christmas. I could give a fuck about your Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or any other December based celebration of whatever. That’s how we roll in these parts.

***Note: christianity was purposely left lowercase...

Women - the cause of all of the world's problems!
Posted by CaptainKickback on Sunday, July 22 2007

There are a lot of people out there whining and sniveling about global warming and wasting energy, and the rape of the environment, the destruction of the family unit, dog fighting, atheism and fat guys named Maury in velour jogging suits. Oh what the hell, lets toss in drug-resistant bacteria, tornadoes, killer bees and Michael Bolton. On the face of it, it seems that the entire world is going to Hell in a hand basket and no one knows why. All of the unrelated events in the world can be traced to one and only one source. WOMEN!

Yes, you heard it hear first, the pure, unvarnished truth that no one has the balls to say. The world is turning to crap solely because of women. We will examine a few major elements threatening us today and see how women are responsible. Read on if you dare.

DESTRUCTION OF THE FAMILY UNIT - Starting in the 1960s a few fuzzy-brained people decided that women should join the work force and be all they could be. By being independent, they would not need anyone. Now, who decided we even needed women in the workforce? Men were doing fine. We were building bigger and faster and better machines, planes, cars, ships and so forth. Hell, it was MEN who put astronauts on the moon, men astronauts damn it. Not sappy, deranged women who drive 900 miles to “talk to” a rival lover using a claw hammer, mace and an aged pepperoni. By the way, notice how pussified the space program became once women were involved……

So now all these women enter the workforce and almost immediately they start carping about the low pay and lack of opportunities for advancement. Of course none of these dingbats studied economics or knew the basics of supply and demand. Supply of labor increases, demand stays level, prices (wages) fall. Not only did they screw themselves, but men as well. As for advancement, they wanted the same opportunities as men, but the frail little women didn’t want to shrivel their ovaries (or something like that) by working 70 hours a week, surviving on nicotine, adrenaline and caffeine. Either that, or when the job was no longer shiny and pretty enough for them they would get married and have kids. Between maternity leave, sick days, “that time of the month” and so forth, they just didn’t have the time to devote to work and training like the men.

A man would have chosen one or the other and done one thing really, really well, rather than try and do two things half-assed. Not women. They bought into the bullshit of having it all, family, career, and so forth. All it has lead to is tired women doing half-assed jobs at work. It has led to women who fail to spend the time they need looking after their spawn – and then they act so surprised when 15 year old Nancy gets knocked-up, and 14 year old Bruce has turned into a gun-toting meth dealer.

Don’t believe me? The mutants who shot up Columbine had parent who worked and mommy, steeped in liberal gibberish and doing a number of things really half-assed, never, ever looked in the kid’s room and though the kid padlocking his door was somehow okay. WHAT THE FUCK! As a kid, my mom did not work and ran the house like a police state tighter than anything Stalin could have ever dreamed of. Now, while she “missed out” on a career, her son did get a couple of degrees, has a nice house, has never and will never be in rehab for drug/alcohol/sex/whatever addiction and took care of her when she was dying. Working moms, you had better hope to God you never come down with a fatal illness, because your kids will only show up to steal things and ask where the life insurance policies are and how much time you have left.

Here is an idea for women, do one thing really good, family OR career, because you cannot do both and your hair-brained attempts to do so have raised one or more generations of shiftless, lazy, surly punks.

It also ties in directly to the divorce rate. A man works hard all day and when he comes home all he wants to do for the first half hour is change clothes, have a cool beverage and unwind. But no. Because the little shrew gets home an hour earlier than the man, she has had her decompression time, yet somehow thinks the man should not get any, but instead should be subject to the same incessant, nattering he has put up with all day at work. In their self-absorbed world, women are sure, because Oprah and a lot of other childless trolls hade told them so, that they are the center of the universe and the man does not matter. I bet if men were really honest, they would tell you the best thing about divorce is that you come home to absolute quiet. See they guy smiling? He is either divorced or has never been married.

Thus, divorce and destruction of the family rests solely on the shoulders of women. Again, ladies, do one thing really good and give your man a blow job occasionally for no reason and you will se a return to solid families and life long marriages.

GLOBAL WARMING – People have their knickers in a twist over global warming, carbon emissions and the spread of factories to feed the ever increasing maw of consumers all over the world. But, wait a minute what is really causing all of this?

Next time you are out driving, look at all the big, gas-sucking SUVs on the road. Notice how many of them have a woman driver and NO passengers. What the fuck? Making up for not having penis ladies, by driving a land barge? Oh, I know, it’s for “the safety” and “the kids.” BULLSHIT!! SUVs are more likely to tip over, especially as you jerk and twitch the wheel trying to use your cell phone and apply makeup (I have seen it). For the kids? Try a minivan. It will get better mileage, is easier to get in and out of and will still haul a lot of stuff. But a minivan does not fuel your inflated ego and tell the world how important you are. By the way, the money you wasted on the SUV, its upkeep and its gas, over the course of a couple of decades would have easily sent one of your kids to college, at a private university, out of state. But then you wouldn’t be the queen be on your block now would you?

Of course SUVs take more raw materials, more energy, more land for factories than a minivan or station wagon would. And we won’t even discuss the extra pollution, the increased wearing out of roads, and CFCs for the a/c. But you think you look damned wonderful in it and besides, Oprah said it was okay to have it all.

Now, because you feel the need to look as powerful as your SUV, you need the latest, trendiest clothes, accessories and make up. Thanks to you sweatshops and slave labor camps throughout the world make all the products your insatiable consumer maw demands. And all of those factories making those oh so cute $50 tops, or the to-die-for lipstick, or your fourth pair of really great heels in navy blue, suck up energy and spew out pollutants 24/7. But it’s okay, you gave a whole $5 to save the rain forest. Woop-dee-fucking-doo.

Now that you drive your massive SUX6000 SUV to work, where you wear the trendy clothes you simply have to have as you put in another day of half-assed work. You sit at your desk and the first thing you do is turn on your goddamned space heater and whine about how cold it is. Meanwhile, two cubes over, a guy who came in an hour before you looks at the thermometer on his desk, which says 76F. he is already popping a sweat as he wonders what the fuck is physically wrong with woman that 76 is too cold, and requires a 30,000 BTU space heater running full blast.

Go into any big office/cube farm and you almost have to yell at the women because of the small turbojet they are using because 76 is too cold for their delicate little systems. You know why the men in an office are never too cold, while all you do is whine about it all day? Men dress properly for work – pants, socks, proper shoes (lace up or loafers), undershirt, outer shirt and in some instances a tie and jacket. And it is all cotton and all natural baby. Women on the other hand have to try and achieve dominance over the other hens in the hen house by wearing the cute and trendy – light skirts, open toed sandals, no stockings, and a short sleeve, light-weight little top.

**Side note** How do I know that women are dressing to outdo each other? They certainly aren’t doing it for us. A guy can no longer even look at a woman without fear of a sexual harassment beef. Hey ladies, if you expose half your tits to the world and 2/3rds of your legs why are you getting so pissy when a guy looks? You put the goods out on a billboard, men will look. Don’t want us to look, then don’t shove the goods out there.

Now, all those little electric blast furnaces suck up a huge amount of electricity. Multiply it by all the women in a building, then multiply it by all the offices and soon you realize that it is because of women sucking up all this extra power that we have rolling blackouts in the summer and dwindling fuel reserves. Congratulations women, your vanity is dooming ALL of humanity. But who cares, right? Helen Gurley Brown said it was your right to have it all and you are hell-bound and determined to have it all, even if it means the total collapse of civilization.

By the way, men would be happy driving spiffy fuel efficient sports cars to work and would gladly work in an office where the temperature is 80F, if we could wear shorts, polo shirt and sneakers. And at home, rather than running the a/c full bore, we are just as happy to sit on the sofa with a fan blowing on us.

And women, wintertime is NOT an excuse to put the home thermostat on roast, I mean 80F. Every woman out there whines if a guy puts the thermostat below 72 in winter. Women want a damned sauna in winter so they can run around in their trendy, nearly useless, lightweight outfits. Here’s a clue ladies, put the thermostat on 67F, wear some nice sturdy, thick sweats, or long johns and a Pendleton shirt. Your method only serves to make the energy companies rich, use of fuel faster, make it cost more and because the power plants energy production sites have to run full tilt, they throw extra pollution into the environment. But it’s okay, you gave $5 to the ASPCA.

Here is a true story. In SoCal, it can be damned hot during the day, but by closing up the house early in the morning it traps the cool inside. Well it would except for the dipstickette who is constantly sighing about how hot it is and who has left a door wide open so hot air can enter and heat up the whole house. The at night, when there is a cool breeze and the place is wide open to take advantage of this natural a/c the same dip stickette will close the same door because she is afraid her kitties will feel a draft, or some bullshit like that. And when it is hotter than Hades outside and she is whining about how hot it is, while I am have a cool salad and sandwich for dinner, she has two burners on the stove and the oven going to prepare dinner and then wants to blast the a/c because “it’s so hot.” Well no shit Dick Tracy! Now, multiply that by all the houses and apartments and condos throughout the civilized world and you will realize that it is this type of illogic (doing yet another task half-assed) is dooming the planet.

HEALTH CARE – Somewhere along the line women developed an attitude that any sort of sniffle, scratch, wheeze or bump on any child or adult is a major medical emergency and must be treated by a doctor and/or lots of antibiotics and admonishments to never, ever do that again. The end result is molly-coddled kids who NEVER develop immunity to anything and an overtaxed medical system whose hospitals are the worst places to be sick.

When I was growing up, I like generations of kids before me played with other kids, got bumps and bruises and owwies and scrapes and cuts and such. Unless I was running a 104F fever, medical care consisted of washing it off with soap and if needed slapping hydrogen peroxide or iodine on it, then a little Vaseline and a band-aid.

But, nowadays because women are so capable of doing many things half-assed, if the kid gets any sort of minor damage mommy goes into a three foot bounding hover and is sure that it will lead to the child’s hideous, painful death. So, she insists a doctor prescribe antibiotics and forbids the kids from ever doing anything that might make them sick or get them hurt. This sounds great until the enter the real world which is dirty, grimy, germy and for which the bubble-children are unprepared for and so end up sicker than if they had been exposed to it as small tykes. In the words of Aussie philosopher Chopper Read, “Oy, you need to let your kids harden the fuck up.”

Now, because women have to go to the hospital for everything and force their family to go for everything and because doctors have to give out antibiotics like candy to get the women to just shut the hell up, hospitals throughout the world are being overrun by staph and strep bacteria that are resistant to all anti-biotics. And by insisting that every injury is a crisis and dragging kids and/or significant other to the hospital, women are responsible for creating the bacteria that could eventually kill most of humanity. Fucking brilliant!

That’s why women will never be in combat, they will be so overwrought by the dirt and germs that they will be completely ineffective in a fight. Can you imagine women at Guadalcanal? They would be in a complete tizzy because all the men are covered in dirt, grime, blood, with rotting uniforms and assorted nicks, cuts and wounds. I know the women reading this are thinking, “ewww that sounds so icky. Yuch.” The men reading it are thinking, “who gives a damn how I look, if I was on Guadalcanal my only concern is living and killing Japs. And where’s my spare k-bar….”

I have only given you three examples. But look at any problem in the world today and the root cause of the problem is women. Don’t believe me? Remember, Islamic suicide bombers are doing what they do so they can have 72 virgins in heaven………

Now, before any of you punks start whining that I have no solution to the problem, here is my two solutions to the problem.. The first is for women to either be full time moms and do it very well, or to be fully in the work force with no kids and do that very well. No more of doing a bunch of things half-assed.

Women, if you are offended by this you can piss off. Why do I say that? Because right now advances are being made in both robotics and genetics that will render women superfluous by 2050, or sooner. The Japanese and Koreans are already making lifelike looking human robots. Lifelike female human looking robots. Before long, these robots will be fully functioning sex toys and companions. Best of all, they will not do all the things real women do. Simultaneously, geneticists are unraveling human DNA and will soon have it mapped and with modern gene splicing technology can take DNA from two different people, combine it, insert it into a blank egg and make a new human. Once we have a DNA bank of every woman on the planet, perfect the artificial zygote and womb (both closer than you think) and combine it with the perfected female companion android, women will no longer be needed.

And consider this, almost everyone in genetics and robotics are men.

Want to vent? Then come out of your man-cave, or take a break from Olympic-class whining and drop a load of your steaming thoughts on us at forums.

Little punks and whipped nancy boys!
Posted by CaptainKickback on Saturday, January 27 2007

Here it is the start of a new year and I have a few things that need saying about people who promise great things but then end up punking out like little bitches. A prime example was of one puffed up gas-bag who was a real angry bastard, who thought themselves oh so patriotic. They had the slick web site with snappy graphics and mean spirited diatribes. And of course, the site had merchandise. Shirts, hats, underwear, and god knows what else.

Also, since this is the era of the blog, when every asshole with a computer thinks they are the new Grantland Rice or Ernest Hemingway, the site was used as a springboard for their literary opus. The site promised the book would be the new Bible for a new era. Like elephants having sex, it was done with lots of noise, from on high and took forever to see results. The book seemingly hit the shelves with a resounding thud, then a splash – not unlike one of my morning offerings to the porcelain god.

I can only guess that the person shot their load on their book, both figuratively and literally, because they have not updated their site in almost a year. And you thought updates around here were few and far between. So, this sight which was to revolutionize things and make manly men of us all, has fallen by the wayside, because its operator exceeded their very modest talents and funding and punked out.

But that is punking out on the very smallest level. Some of the biggest punks are in sports, whether it is Roberto Duran going “no mas, no mas,” or Nick Sabin saying for six months that he in know way is going to be Alabama’s head coach, then as soon as his current team (the Miami Dolphins) end another crappy season, he is Alabammy bound. Remember this kiddies, whenever you here a player or head coach proclaim how much they love it where they are (even though the team blows donkey cock – hard) and how they are committed to the team and would never consider leaving, it really means that they will be leaving within the week.

Anybody here from Baltimore, Cleveland, Los Angeles or Houston? You know what I am talking about. Owners who yammered on about how much they were a part of the city, right up until they saw how a new city was spreading its legs like a cheap whore to lure them away. And like the punks they are, they fell for it, while the cities had to cough up a lot of moola to pay for the privilege of being screwed.

I won’t even touch on politicians; it would take up too much space. However, I will touch upon businesses and how they are often run by punks. These business are generally are in a long, drawn out death spiral, but just don’t know it yet. You know them, the businesses that promise great service, great prices and great quality, yet when push comes to shove, it is nothing by crap with a new bow. U.S. carmakers and furniture makers fall into this category. They make it seem as if they are really going to get it right this time, but it is more of the same. There is a reason Toyota will become number one in auto sales and why IKEA is so damned popular.

And finally, how many of you have people in your lives that you wonder why they are in your life? You know the ones I am talking about. They are the ones that expect you to bust ass to help them, or bail them out, or convince some girl to get an abortion, or move their shit to a new rat-hole. Yet, if you ask them, “dude, help me paint over the blood and pizza grease in the living room,” they mysteriously have other things to do. Congratulations, you’ve been punked! They are the first to mooch food and booze off of you, by whine about no money if you ask them to buy now and again. And I bet they have nicer electronics and stuff than you do. Don’t they? Is that Ashton Kutchner over there laughing at you? I think it is.

Even worse are the idiots that let their partner push them around like a slinky. Yes, I am talking to you holding your woman’s purse as she clothes shops. And I am talking to you who isn’t allowed to watch football, play golf with the boys, or get mouth love from your squeeze. You are being punked. I am amazed you can even move with no spine. I laugh at your meager little existence, as do a lot of other people.

So why do people put up with punks? Because most people are punks themselves in that they are afraid to hold people and businesses responsible for their words and actions. They don’t want to make waves, or cause trouble. BULLSHIT! Or they don’t know what they can do, or who to contact and they are only one little person. Is that you? Do you still hide behind mommy’s dress you little punks?

Well you are in luck today kiddies, because Captain Kickback is going to show you how to get results and he learned from the master herself, Mom. Don’t laugh, many people should consider themselves lucky that Mom was never a contract killer and is now passed on.

Pick your battles. Don’t expect Neiman-Marcus service at Wal-Mart and don’t expect Wal-Mart prices at Neiman-Marcus. Doing this just makes you a giant flaming asshole.

Have your facts and paperwork in order. If you have that, it makes things a lot easier for you and a lot harder for your foe to weasel out of. You’ve heard it before, we can’t do nuttin’ without the receipt/contract/paperwork.” Without it, you are fucked, with it you are in the game.

Read the contract/paperwork. Always retain the paperwork.

Never, ever yell, or threaten. Remain calm. Ask to speak to the next level up.

If you can’t do it in person, prepare a letter. Make it succinct and to the point. And, most importantly write it as if the recipient knows nothing about your problem – because they don’t. Include copies of the documentation.

And here is the sweet stuff. Fuck the Better Business Bureau. They are a paper tiger, with no real stroke or authority. If you need to really drop the hammer on a business, write them and be sure to include a copy of the letter you have sent to the state Attorney General (of their headquarters/home office) and the District Attorney (of the county their headquarters/home office is in), or of the proper regulatory authority. A lot of businesses can and do blow off letters from consumers. Letters from the DA or AG about a complaint received about their business practices make them stand up and take notice.

I know some of you clods are wondering, “but Captain Kickback, does that really work?” You bet Erika Eleniak’s sweet tits they do. Canon was well on their way to screwing me over on a $40 rebate, until I wrote them and their local AG and DA. Same with some e-bay storefront operation and Big 5 Sporting Goods.

As for keeping paperwork, those lifetime warranties come in handy. And in one instance a company was balking at paying off under an extended warranty, until I reasonably showed them in the contract that my problem was NOT specifically excluded. And then there was the auto dealership that had to pay for a new, street legal muffler and air intake, something they missed in their “thorough inspection prior to sale.”

I know it’s only a few thousand dollars I have saved, but you know what? If you think it’s no big deal, leave me a message and I will tell you where to send your money.

As for being a door mat and letting you partner walk all over you, regrow your spine and tell them, either this shit stops or you are gone. Let them know that from time to time you will be playing golf, drinking beer and smoking cigars with your buddies. Let her know you will not go shopping with her, she is an adult, she doesn’t need your help. You will be popping out that old toilet and putting in a new one while she is shopping. Then you are going to do manly work in the yard, walk your 90 pound pit bull and when she gets home the two of you are having steak, potatoes followed by some serious mouth love and furious rutting. Then spank her on the ass as you send her out the door.

And if she doesn’t want any of that action, remind here that there are plenty of women who do and many of them don’t have that problem with (fill in flaw here) like she does. Screw being a doormat.

And take no shit from your kids. Let them know there are limits and what the penalties are for violating those limits and then ENFORCE those limits like a small town sheriff paying for his retirement by enforcing traffic laws. The kids may not like it, but they will respect you and will be superior people for it. That and occasionally mention the “bad seed child that just had to find out about your ‘maximum enforcement’ line.” Fear is a form of communication.

So get off your asses and stop being a punk and allowing people to be punks. You will save money and guys, it will make you manlier and get you laid more often.

There you have it, just some of the ways to make sure “the man” does not fuck you over. Need more? Visit the forums and drop a load. If you don’t, it’s probably because your latest issue of Whipped says to avoid any sort of confrontation and you have no balls.

Ways To Look Like A Moron - by Chrisgopher
Posted by CaptainKickback on Sunday, November 19 2006

I’ve been at college for a while now, and yet every day I still see people who continue to look like douchebags. They choose to look different from the norm because they think it’s “edgy” or they are “making a statement.” But most often they end up looking ridiculous and sometimes offensive at the same time. It’s time to look at some of the worst offenders.


Cornrows
Amazing, a hairstyle without baldness that manages to show 25% of the scalp. A truly offensive display of skull skin with ridiculous braids everywhere. Typically worn by blacks and hispanics, or the more bold and baked out white person. The hair is braided all along the skull and sometimes falls off the head in long strands. If you are a dude, no hair should be hanging off your head. Period. What are you some goddamn commie, pinko, pervert hippie? Or just a redneck tool who still thinks the mullet is where it’s at? This look is even more confusing and disturbing when sported by a woman. Since the hair is done like this, the only way to tell if she is female is her less masculine face and obvious rack. So please, pick up a comb and stop twisting your hair. How bad is the corn row? Bo Derek when she was at her maximum hotness in “10” managed to look barely doable sporting a corn row. And let me tell you from experience, it’s no joke that if a chick is riding you and has corn rows, you could get whipped to death.


Mohawks
Mohawks are a tricky subject, since many of them look cool. I’m talking about the traditional single row of hair 2-3 inches high down the middle of the head. I even don’t mind the colored Mohawks. I mean, you’ve gone this far, might as well make it a “little” more different. But sometimes people trash the typical Mohawk into a more vile creation.

There’s the half-mohawk. This is displayed by the guy with semi-long hair who woke one morning wanting to make his hair stand up. Not only does it make him look like a Klingon, but it also states that he was too lazy to grow his hair out and he needed this fashion display right now. If you’re going to do something, don’t do it half-assed.

There is also the bald-mohawk. This person decided that the only hair on his head would be the one sticking up. As a matter of fact, shaving your head and leaving some hair for any kind of hairstyle is just plain wrong. If you want to shave your head, shave it all off. Sometimes people will shave all their hair except the mohawk trail, except that the mohawk hair is regular short hair. From the top, the head looks like a really white ass. There is also its bastard cousin, the reverse-mohawk. Less acceptable than serving bacon during Ramadan.

Next we have what I would only call the mutant-mohawks. They resemble Mohawks, but can’t be called mohawks. They can be anything from cones of hair sticking out of the head, to 1 foot long mohawks, or even the dreaded braided mohawk. This is what happens when people get creative with things that are already borderline acceptable. A subspecies is the mullet-hawk, where just the hair of the Mohawk is grown long and drapes down the neck like a mullet or pony-tail.

The ONLY people who can officially swing the Mohawk are Mohawk tribesmen up until 1895 and Mr. T. If you are as cool as Mr. T you can wear a Mohawk. And since no one is that cool, you need to shave it off or grow out the rest of your hair. The only other accepted Mohawk is you are shaming some punk who passed out at 8:00 o’clock.


Piercings
I’m not a big fan of piercings of any kind to start with, but many people cross the line in this category. To me, the only acceptable piercings are a few at the most on each ear, for women. Guys, don’t put jewelry of ANY kind on your body. Women do it, and it doesn’t even help them. When I see people with excessive body piercings, I have a sudden urge to put them in a giant microwave and see them light up like a sparkler. Here is a breakdown of them.

Girls with tongue, lip, and nose piercings get around a lot. They tend to have seen more sausage than Jenna Jameson in a one week movie shoot. Their defense is that guys like getting head from a chick with a pierced tongue. Wrong. Look doll-face, you’re already going to have your mouth full with my cock, so there is no need for a marble to be in there as well. Besides, I don’t want anything with a pin or needle anywhere near my love cap.

Next we have the forehead piercings. This is typically seen by Goths or people who worship death. Another explanation might be that they seek a more convenient way to knock on a door when their hands are full. I suppose that since we typically make eye-contact when we converse, that small chunk of iron above your eyebrow can’t be missed either.

Belly-button piercings are a strange group. They can only be noticed at the beach, with a low-cut shirt, or if you have a regular job as a porn star. Of all the piercings, I’d have to say I have the least anger towards this one, mostly because when I’m talking to a girl, her belly-button is the last thing my eyes are on. But I have seen belly-button piercings that resemble wind chimes, these turn any woman into a typical gypsy. Can you imagine if they got one of those snagged on a jeans button? And ladies, unless you have the taut stomach of a 19 year old aerobics instructor, the belly button ring looks like nothing more than a pull tab to an inflatable life raft. Even better is when a relative of Jabba The Hutt has one, because it “makes them look sexy.” Oh dear God, the horror.

And then there are the nipple piercings. I don’t even understand in the least way why people do this. Of all the piercings, these have to hurt the most. Girls, you dare to tarnish one of the great things about your body by putting a needle through it? Some guys like nipple piercings, weirdos. Go fuck a cyborg then.

Pussy lip piercings, or cock piercings. These people should be eradicated immediately because of their twisted way of thinking. Once again ladies, I don’t want anything with a needle or a pin near my schlong.

So ladies, hold back on these or be labeled a slut. Guys, do any of this and I will beat the living shit out of you with a rusty pick-axe. I don’t care if you’re expressing yourself; the point is you are expressing yourselves in a way that not even gay men do.

Misuse of the Ball Cap
When I grew up, there were TWO ways to wear a ball cap: with the bill forward, and with the bill backwards. The forward bill is worn the way the cap was invented to be worn. It keeps the sun out of your eyes, enough said. Look at it this way, the greatest athletes ever, male or female all wore their caps with the bill forward and curved.

The backwards style’s origins are exactly unknown, but it was probably sported by hip teenagers who did not want the bill hanging above their line of sight. The backwards trend also looks more sleek and streamlined, and is perfect for when moving at high speeds in a forward direction so the wind does not blow the cap off your head. How gool is the backwards hat? It is the preferred cappage method used by outlaw bikers everywhere and hot chicks who are tomboys.

Nowadays, people feel like wearing their caps sideways, even half-way on their heads. The ones guilty of this are “gangstas” and wiggers. Black people also find it trendy to completely flatten the bill of the cap and make the hat look as big as possible. Listen people, your skin already protects you from the sun, no need to fuck up your hat and look like a retard.

Lemmies
In case you don’t know what a lemmie is, it’s a mustache. Only that at the corners of the mouth, the mustache drops down it a straight line to the bottom of the chin. From what I know, it’s a relatively new and popular way to have facial hair. Nothing says, “I touch myself to the Dukes of Hazzard” better than the lemmie. This is worn by the white trashed rednecks with big fords and even bigger boots. It tends to mostly be in the possession of an overweight person, and can be made even more offensive with red hair. The only people in the history of mankind who can pull this look off and not look like a child molester are Hulk Hogan, because he has big bushy chin locks, and Lemmie himself, because he is Lemmie.

A variation of the lemmie is the teutel. Made famous by Paul Teutel Sr., of Orange County Chopper and American Chopper fame, you have to be a big, beefy bad-ass mo-fo to wear it, otherwise you are just a dorky looking ass-clown. To date Paul Sr. is the ONLY person to successfully wear a teutel.

And I swear to God, anyone wearing mutton-chops, van dykes, soul patches (unless you are a hep blues musician), or monster side burns will have them removed by me personally one hair at a time – dug out by the root with a bowie knife.

Dreadlocks
This one should just be short and sweet: don’t sport dreadlocks if you are not black and Jamaican. Seriously, I see fat middle-aged with guys with dreadlocks and I about hurl. They always have brown hair or some other color similar to feces. I’ve seen dogs with matted hair that look better.

Pajamas at 2:00 pm
Some jackass went overboard on “casual Fridays,” or as a matter of fact every other day of the week. It can be ok for girls only in the early mornings or in the wee hours of the night before bedtime, but guys that do it are automatic fags. I saw an overweight guy (or girl I don’t know what it was) today and it was wearing pajama pants. I had a notion to bitch-slap it with my lunch tray. I don’t care if it’s early in the morning and wearing nothing but cotton in feels good, put on some fucking pants you hippy. Only one person in the history of mankind was, is, or ever will be allowed to wear pajamas at 2:00 in the afternoon. And that god is Hugh Hefner. If you invent Playboy you can wear pajamas (silk only) 24/7/366.

There you have it, just some of the ways to make an ass of yourself. Need more? Visit the forums and drop a load. If you don’t, it’s probably the corn-rows in your eyes and the infection from the piercing that keeps you away, which puts you lower than a sheep-fucker.

Astroturf
Posted by CaptainKickback on Saturday, August 12 2006
Football season is upon us and it is time to revisit the two greatest evils to plague the game of professional football and baseball – domed stadiums and artificial turf. The two go hand in hand.

First up is artificial turf. The demented product of a chemical engineer, fake, plastic grass first gained prominence when is was used in the Houston Astrodome, a domed stadium. It seems real turf did not grow indoors, so the stadium owners looked for a substitute. Since the fake grass was first used on a professional level at the Astrodome, it was called Astroturf. This abomination is essentially a woven matt of plastic fibers, a bit of padding and then either hard, compacted ground or concrete.

Stingy stadium owners actually installed this stuff outside, so they could save money by reducing the grounds crew, while letting them use their stadium for baseball and a host of other events. Unfortunately, artificial turf was installed throughout the NFL, especially back east – Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Kansas City, Buffalo, New York, Cincinnati. And mind you all of those cities had outdoor stadiums. In baseball, the damn stuff sprouted up in Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Kansas City and St. Louis. Again, all cities with outdoor stadiums.

Because of artificial turf, we were given turf toe, blown out knees, destroyed ankles, nasty rug burns and a surface that sucked in and reflected heat like an oven in summer. Players hate it, coaches hate it, fans hate it and I think even one of the Popes came out against it. Artificial turf may also be the real reason behind suicide bombings and al-Qaeda’s hatred of America. The only people who like the turf are stadium owner-operators. And of course if you have a domed stadium, the plastic grass is a must. How many of you ever saw live, or on TV some of the games the Phillies played, where the ball would carom at odd angles because it hit a seam, especially the big seams of the pieces that were removed for football? That just wasn’t right and an abomination against nature.

Astroturf has now given way to Real-turf. It is still artificial turf, but it looks and behaves more like natural grass. But it is still artificial turf. Fancier and better padded to be sure, but still fake grass.

You may ask, but what’s the big deal about fake turf? It’s simple really, when you were growing up, what did you learn to play the game of football on? Plastic grass or real grass? Remember the feel of the grass between your toes? The smell of fresh cut grass and the way grass felt as you rested/collapsed/bled/puked on it. Remember lying on the grass, watching clouds go by, or watching bugs do their thing? There is a purity and honesty to natural grass, that synthetic turf can never, ever capture. This may also explain why more and more teams are moving back to real grass.

Even worse than fake grass to football, is the domed stadium. At what point did some football fans become such candy-assed little bitches that they had to have a domed stadium to watch the game? The domed stadium, no matter how nice it may seem, essentially reduces pro football to being just one small step removed from Arena League Football.

But what’s the big deal about a domed stadium for the team? I’ll tell you. Teams that play in domed stadiums are pussies. For example, in the 1960s and 1970s the Minnesota Viking played outdoors, in Minnesota, in winter. And they were feared. Teams hated going to Minnesota at any time and especially in winter, because they knew the Viking would just beat on them for 60 minutes and the weather was probably even more brutal. But then the Vikings moved indoors to the Metrodome and haven’t done s**t since. They have turned pussy and no one fears them. Ditto for the Detroit Lions. Or look at it another way. For almost their entire existence the Seattle Seahawks played in a domed stadium and for the most part, the teams were not good and generally got their asses kicked. Ah, but then they moved outdoors and next thing you know they are in the Super Bowl.

Playing outdoors, the weather can act like an extra man on the field. Picture the snow, cold and ice at Lambeau Field or War Memorial Stadium as people with names like Nischke, Butkus, White and Singletary laying the smack down on visitors, while players with names like Hornung, Sayers, Favre and Payton made the other teams look silly.

The flip side is that in December, you have to play in a warm weather city where a visiting team from the north faces the real issues of dehydration and being beaten by the weather. Both extremes were exemplified by the San Diego Chargers, who played one of the greatest football games ever (a playoff game no less) against Miami, where IVs were standard issue. The next week, the Charges went from 72 degree San Diego to 22 degree Cincinatti. In both games, the weather affected team performance and the eventual outcome.

Again, when you were a kid, did you play football outside in the cold, the rain, or the snow? Or were you under a dome in t-shirts? You played outside and got muddy and wet and cold and then you hurried home for a hot bath or shower and then tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwich and if you were really good, a cup of hot cocoa. Even if you lived in Florida or Texas, you prayed for mud and wet to play football in. And if not, you still had the tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwich. Simple and basic. No frills but real fun.

The other problem with domed stadiums is that the fans themselves become pussies. Football is all about sacrifice and team camaraderie, even among the fans. If you haven’t got the balls to be outside in the elements with 50 60 or 70,000 like-minded lunatics, then you might as well buy your man-purse now and have your balls removed and start using a girl’s name for yourself. It takes balls to be in Buffalo, or Chicago in December, outside in crappy weather to watch your team. It also takes real balls to be outside in San Diego or Florida in September where heat stroke/heat exhaustion/dehydration and severe sunburn is always on the menu.

How bad are domes for teams? Only one team who plays in a dome has ever won a Super Bowl – the St. Louis Rams in a Super Bowl played indoors. That is 1 out of 40 or 2.5%. In short, if you watch football in a domed stadium, you are a pussy and your team will in all likelihood, blow and never win the big one.

Now I know you’re going to whine, “but what about baseball, lots of turf teams have won it all.” Well, let’s look at that list of turf teams to win it all. The Twins twice, the Phillies once, the Cardinals once, the Reds twice, the Pirates twice and that’s about it. The great teams, the miracle teams all played on grass. The Yankees, the Cardinals of the 20s, 30s and 60s, the As, the Giants and the Dodgers all won a lot of games on real grass.

And as a kid, did your sandlot, or street, or yard have fake grass, or real dirt/grass? Didn’t you love getting grass and dirt stains on your clothes or uniform from sliding and diving on real grass? As for the perversity of artificial turf, some infielder discovered that you can get the ball to first base quicker if you one-hop the throw off the turf. WHAT THE BLEEDING F**K!! Brooks Robinson never resorted to cheap crap like that, neither did Ernie Banks. Why? Because they had cannons for arms and played on real grass, where mutant hops off turf did not occur.

Seriously, it’s a nice evening at the ball yard, by the 7th inning it has cooled off, the humidity is up and you can smell the fresh cut grass. That is the heart of baseball. That is the heart of professional sports, playing on the real deal so that you and the crowd can connect with the simple innocence of youth. And if your pro baseball team plays on turf, you are probably light in the loafers, know show tunes and enjoy amateur fudge packing.

My advice, get off your lazy asses and go out and see or play a football, or baseball game as it should be played – on natural, green, growing turf.


One last thought, know that whatever you write about, someone will crap on it. Deal with it.

NOW DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY PUNKS!!

Conspiracy Theorists
Posted by CaptainKickback on Saturday, January 14 2006


There are many classes of idiots, morons, deluded fool and twits, but at the top of the list has to be the conspiracy theorists. These sheep cannot accept the dark ugly reality that some people are just nuts and do crazy things. Instead, the only way they function is to create fantastic, chimerical fantasies where secret cabals and organizations secretly make things happen, or control the fates of men. This type of person is weak-willed and unable to piece together a simple, logical chain of events.

I suppose, for the sake of argument, that when man lived in caves or mud huts he did not know very much and had to explain things in terms of myths, allegory and religion. With the development of civilization, those living in cities had little control over their lives and were subject to the whims of the ruler, or invading armies. Not having a framework or scientific principles to fall back upon, they imagined secret forces were at work to make their lives miserable. In turn, some chose religion as a path of explanation and salvation, others chose the equally fantastical route of vast, hidden conspiracies. Fear and ignorance produce very ugly, stupid children – terror and conspiracies.

Each and every “great conspiracy” has a logical, sound scientific explanation. Unfortunately, the mundane nature of these explanations makes conspiracy theories so much more entertaining to the stupid, slow-witted, dullards and those who refuse to accept reality. Let’s look at some of these “conspiracies” and the truth behind them.

Jews are responsible for our country’s economic/social/political problems – This tired old conspiracy theory has been around for at least 1,500 years. Because Jews had different practices and different habits than those of most of Europe and the Mid-East, it made those want conformity and uniformity nervous and suspicious. Toss in the fact that Jewish elders sold one of their own down the river to appease the Romans, in circa 33 A.D. only added fuel to the fire. Because Jews have traditionally placed a strong emphasis on education and learning skill trades, as a group they were quite adept at making money, keeping money and improving their lot. So when the king, kaiser or fuhrer needed a scapegoat for their idiotic leadership decisions, or to take the people’s attention from real problems, the Jew card was played. Witness the Spanish Inquisition, the pogroms of Russian Jews in the 1800s, the “Final Solution” of Nazi Germany and their alleged control of U.S. media. The truth is that they were better educated, better trained and more attentive to detail than their goyim neighbors. Instead of blaming themselves and their government for screwing things up, it is easier for people to blame a group of outsiders for manipulating things. The current iteration of this class of fuck-tard is alive and well in the American Nazi Party, the KKK and Iran.

The Assassination of President Kennedy – “Lee Harvey Oswald placed three rounds, on target, which was moving, in 7 seconds, with a bolt action rifle he was not familiar with. That is one motivated Marine!” Turns out the DI in the movie Full Metal Jacket was spot on. However, let us go back in time. In November of 1963, a twisted little geek, Lee Harvey Oswald put three rounds into President Kennedy, including one shot that caromed through the president and wounded Texas governor Connelly. Because the assassination was televised, everybody and their uncle had a theory. Without modern forensics and computer modeling, the conspiracy theorists had a field day. The shots came from the Grassy Knoll! There must have been other shooters! Oswald was a patsy and was killed by Jack Ruby to keep him quiet! No single bullet could have killed the president AND wounded the governor! And it goes on and on. Unfortunately, the truth, while scientifically interesting, requires logic and discipline to carefully study th evidence.

First, gunshots echo very nicely off of buildings, masonry and roads. These echoes can seem louder than the actual shots and can confuse the listener as to where the shots really came from. Since they lacked powerful computers in the early 1960s, no one could show echo patterns. Now they can and the echo from Oswald’s rifle produces interesting results. If standing in the right areas, it could sound as if the shots came from a grassy knoll. Second, Oswald knew guns and as a Marine had first trained with a bolt action rifle and there are many people who can get off 3 rounds in 7 seconds or less with a bolt action rifle. Third, Oswald was no stooge; he was a twisted little geek with delusions of unachieved greatness who wanted fame and to be noticed. Or to quote Chris Rock, “whatever happened to just plain crazy?” Fourth, Oswald as patsy killed by Ruby to shut him up. Well, Jack Ruby was a very small time hood who wanted to be a big man in the Dallas mob. Like Oswald he was a nobody who wanted to be a somebody at any cost. Ruby thought he would be viewed as a hero and would reap rewards by killing the man who killed Kennedy. Ruby died of cancer in prison, an obscure footnote to history.

Lastly, the “magic bullet” scenario. Fortunately, modern science and the TV show Mythbusters puts this one to rest. They used the same type of rifle, fired at the same angle and at the same distance as Oswald fired his, using dummies made of ballistic gel (which mimics flesh) and animal ribs (simulating Kennedy’s ribs) and fired at the same spot the bullet entered Kennedy’s body. The two dummies were seated and cameras began rolling. The shot was fired. The bullet entered Kennedy, caromed off a rib, exited Kennedy, entered governor Connelly, glance off of one of his ribs and lodged in his leg, IN ALMOST THE EXACT SAME POSITION AS OSWALD’S BULLET DID IN 1963!

But that explanation is boring and factual. The weak willed and those who refuse to acknowledge reality have basically shut up about this little conspiracy.

UFOs and Area 51 – This is one of the bigger loads of crap still circulating out there. The average person on the street knows jack shit about airplanes and even less about experimental aircraft. They are also completely oblivious to history and the nature of the Cold War. The whole UFO thing is a rant subject unto itself. Any military wants to test weapons in secret, far from the prying eyes and cameras of everyone. This was especially true during the Cold War era. The USAF needed a place to test new types of airplanes far from prying eyes – all the better to surprise the Russians. Additionally, the USAF needed a place to test captured/stolen Soviet aircraft. That’s right kiddies, as soon as each new Russian fighter came off the assembly line, the US tried to get one (or more) to test. As a military or government, you would do everything possible to make sure your enemy did not know you had a copy of their aircraft, now wouldn’t you? That is where the Groom Lake (aka Area 51) facility came into play. Edwards AFB was just too public and too well known for certain “black” projects, but Groom Lake was literally in the middle of nowhere. And what did they test there? Oh various little projects, like the SR-71, various USAF and USN jets, the F-117 and, most importantly, a wide range of Soviet jet fighters – MiG-15s, -17s, -19s, -21s, -23s and various Sukhoi jets. By studying ALL of their characteristics, while they could not study ours, gave the US a huge leg up on the Soviets and Chinese. Now, because the government kept away prying eyes from their treasure trove of Soviet and experimental aircraft and because people don’t know shit about airplanes, all these rumors and theories formed that the government must have UFOs out there. Now really, if the government was keeping something like that out there, how long do you think that secret would last? People cannot keep their mouths shut about the really weird and unusual and UFOs would be outed so fast, it would make your head spin. However, military and civilian personnel can very easily keep a secret, if it involves mundane things and is for national security.

This is but a small sampling of conspiracy theories out there, all of which can be and/or have been debunked.

So people, invoke logic, examine things in a rigorous, scientific method and you will not be duped by various theories out there. Conspiracy theories are created because people do not want to think and/or refuse to deal with the harsh, ugly reality we have to deal with and prefer to live in a fantasy world where mysterious, outside forces run their lives. I call these people pussies.

Put away childish toys and embrace the reality – and “may we meet on the level and part on the square.”

Racism
Posted by mach5potato on Monday, November 14 2005


When I say racism, what comes to mind? Do you see the KKK at a rally burning crosses and lynching blacks in the South? Do you think about the racial slurs your grandpa yells at the television when he sees the newest Puff Daddy video on MTV? I used to think that way, until one day I noticed that there is a group even more racist than your grandpa could dream of being. This group hates all people that look/act/think/smell differently than they do. The group? African-Americans. Damn straight. Now here’s some weak anecdotal evidence to support my outrageous claims:

A little background first. I work in a medium sized office building. I’d estimate about 600 people work there, ranging from telemarketing scum all the way up to doctor’s clinics and medical research labs. We get all types here. Some people walk into the building for work looking like they just came from a punk rock concert; some look like they just spent two grand on their tie. It is a diverse place. I take my shits in a bathroom on the first floor (it’s sort of hidden and the seat is never pissed on) every morning at around the time most people are coming in to work. This bathroom must have the thinnest walls on Earth because you can hear every word people say as they get on the elevator. Sitting and shitting I’ve heard some of the most racist and disgusting comments I’ve ever heard. The thing is these comments aren’t coming from whites.

Conversation overheard in the shitter 8:13 AM, 11/4/2005:

Voice #1: What happened to Tony?
Voice #2: Oh, I dumped his ass!
Voice #1: Why girl, what he do?
Voice #2: That mothafucka fucked a white girl. Can you believe dat shit! I mean, he cheated before but never with no white bitch. That’s just nasty.

This is the exact conversation (I took notes, yes I’m that bored). This happened in a crowded room full of business people and nobody said anything to them. Now flip the conversation. Take out ‘white girl’ and put in ‘black girl’ and imagine two white girls saying it. Can you imagine what would have happened to the whites? Why is this ok?

Incident occurring the morning of 11/9/2005 7:43 AM:

I’m walking into the building, arms filled with sacks full of foodstuffs and drinks (we had a ‘bring food to work’ day in the office). I’m walking behind a group of blacks up to the door. The one bringing up the rear makes eye contact with me, sees me struggling with my load, cracks a smile and pulls the door closed behind him. No, he didn’t just not hold the door open for me, he pulled that fucker closed. I hear him and his buddies giggle and say something about ‘white motherfucker’ as I dropped my stuff all over the place trying to get the door open. Again, flip this. Let’s say I pulled the door shut and said, “fuck that black bitch!” to my group of chums. I’d probably be fired, beaten, and have my face in the paper with a nice Klan hood photoshopped on my head. WHY IS THIS OK!?

Conversation overheard in the shitter 7:56 AM, 11/11/2005:

Voice #1: Damn man, what happened to your face?
Voice #2: Yo, I beat this white dude last night.
Voice #1: Did he beat your ass or what?
Voice #2: Nah man, I hit his ass with a baseball bat. Messed him up good but he got a shot on my face.
Voice #1: What did he do?
Voice #2: He was on my block.
Voice #1: Oh damn.

At this point the elevator closes and I lose the rest of this riveting conversation. As you can tell, whites are not to walk though black neighborhoods. This is some sort of law I didn’t know about.

I know it’s not fair to judge an entire segment of the population due to a few conversations, but keep in mind I’ve only been keeping notes on this for about two weeks. I’ve been hearing this shit for the three years I’ve been working here. I’ve yet to hear a conversation by whites speaking ill of Blacks, Mexicans, Asians, or anyone else for that matter (I’m sure it will happen). Does this mean whites are perfect? Oh hell no. I think it means whites do their racist talk behind closed doors. I’m not even sure I have a point here. I just get so fucking sick of people not recognizing that blacks are as bad, if not worse, in the racism department than whites.

Want to call me a bigot? Come to the forum and you can do just that!

West Nile Idiocy
Posted by mach5potato on Friday, August 26 2005


Well folks, it’s that time of year again. Time to get out the campers, tents, and sleeping bags and hit the great outdoors. One thing to remember: bring plenty of mosquito spray or else YOU’LL GET THE WEST NILE VIRUS AND DIE!!!!!!!

Yep, just one little bite from our winged friend the mosquito will kill you! You can find the winged murderers deep in their underground bunkers, loading their little stingers with Dr. Death’s newest batch of West Nile Virus Serum®. Or so the media would have you believe. Let’s check some facts, shall we?


USA deaths per year from the Flu*: 36,000
USA deaths per year from food poisoning*: 5,000
USA deaths per year from Hepatitis B*: 5,000
2004 Deaths in the USA from West Nile Virus*: 100

Wow! Please forgive me if I don’t smother myself in bug-spray and cower in a mosquito net praying to Allah to keep the winged nastiness away from me. The media is mind-fucking you and the big chemical companies are laughing all the way to the bank. That trip to the Taco Wagon is more likely to kill you than that trip to Yosemite.

Look at a can of mosquito repellant next time you’re at Wal-Mart (or Target if you’re a snob that can’t be seen at Wal-Mart). Notice something? It says: “Repels ticks, flies, and mosquitoes that may carry the WEST NILE VIRUS.” The ‘West Nile Virus’ is always the largest font on the can. It’s bolded. It’s in italics. It’s in your fucking face. How have we become so blind, stupid, and reactionary? When will the madness end? Why can’t I find briefs that feel as good as boxers while keeping my balls from sticking to my leg? I need answers!

So the point of the rant is this: You’re not going to die from West Nile Virus. The news media and your stupid bitch neighbor have been duped. Your mom is probably in on it too. I’d smack that bitch if her ass were not so plump and juicy. Tell her I’ll be by at the same time tomorrow.

* All data from http://www.cdc.gov


Come and spout off in the forum.

Mechanics: An English Lesson from Ms. Ariat
Posted by Ariat on Tuesday, August 16 2005


Mechanics fix cars. They also fix sentences. That’s right, mechanics is also a name for spelling, grammar, punctuation – all those things that make sentences look good. If you’re one of the many, many people who think mechanics doesn’t matter, you’re not only stupid, but you’re wrong. It amazes me how people can criticize foreigners who come to the U.S. and don’t speak English, when half of native U.S. citizens don’t speak English correctly, much less write it.

I’ll start with punctuation. There may be no better way to fuck up a sentence than to throw in a comma where it’s not needed, giving the reader an unnecessary pause, or to tack two sentences together with a comma. Learn to use a period, asshole. Better yet, learn to properly use a semicolon. How do you do that? Oh, fuck, I guess I ought to make this educational as well.

The most common error people make in punctuation is a comma splice. That’s when you mash two sentences right up against each other, with a comma separating them. How do you know they’re two separate sentences? A sentence has a subject and a verb. If you’ve got two subjects and two verbs, then you have two fucking sentences!! You can fix this by using a semicolon or a period in place of the comma. Or you can keep the comma and add a coordinating conjunction: words like for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so.

Another glaring mistake people make with punctuation is when to use an apostrophe. Nothing annoys me more than to drive down the street and see a sign that says “CD’s on Sale.” Oh, really? What do the CDs own? Nothing. So there shouldn’t be an apostrophe there. Use an apostrophe only when you want to make a noun possessive. When you just want to pluralize it, add an “s” or an “es.”

Grammar. Nothing says, “I’m a hick” or “I’m a thug” or “Don’t hire me!” like bad grammar. Use singular pronouns with singular verbs. If you don’t know what a fucking pronoun is, look it up.

And last, spelling. Now, I’m prone to a typo or two myself. That’s understandable. What is unacceptable is substituting “were” for “where,” or “their” for ‘there” or “they’re.” It completely changes the meaning of your sentence. So unless you want people to read your writing and ask you, "¿Habla inglés?” get a dictionary and learn to spell.

Don’t even think of giving me shit for not using complete sentences in this rant. I have creative privilege. That means I can make mistakes on purpose under the guise of being artsy.

Learn these rules. Memorize them. Most importantly, USE THEM. If you don’t, I’ll tie you up and torture you with whips and chains. (Doesn’t sound so bad, eh?)


Got something to add? Come spout your moronic opinion in the forum.

The Idiotic World of Pseudo-scientific Prognostication
Posted by CaptainKickback on Sunday, July 24 2005


I want to be very, very clear about something; I am a man of science. I want logically constructed proofs and experimentation that yields specific results. I like the idea of A = B and B = C, then A = C. It’s nice, tidy, organized, and logical.

What I loath is all the pseudo-scientific claptrap that is floating around that dumb, ignorant, dim-witted twits believe in. Things like tarot card readings, astrology, phrenology (look it up), mind-reading, spoon bending, channeling the dead, the I-ching, reading tea leaves, the Prophecies of Nostradamus (or Edgar Cayce, or any others), sightings of mythic beasts (yeti/big foot, Loch Ness monster, the chupacabra), the Bermuda Triangle, Atlantis, Mu, Lemuria, civilizations in the middle of the earth, anal probing aliens. And any other clap traps, including Scientology.

I beg the gentle reader’s indulgence while I eviscerate these various topics.

Predicting the future – Tarot, I-Ching, Astrology, reading tea leaves. Before we begin, ask yourself this question, if all these fortune tellers are so darn wonderful, what are they doing working the carnivals, fairs and working out of little shit-box store fronts? If you are “in tune” with your divining source, shouldn’t you be able to at least pick a good stock? The typical response is something along the lines of “it’s a gift.” Seemingly they only want to use their powers to help the rubes who will easily part with a few buck to hear a prediction that is so general and vague that it could apply to half the world. Yet people keep forking over their money. Why, the predictions are so vague that when something occurs that fits the prediction, they remember it. People will conveniently forget the other 99% of the time the prediction was wrong. And why do people get sucked into this clap-trap? Because far too often, they are unwilling, r unable to take charge of their own lives and to accept the consequences. It is a mental salve if they can fall back on the “mystic reading” of someone. That way if things don’t pan out, well then, you can blame the tarot, or the reading you got, or anybody but yourself. People who subscribe to this type of hokum are weak willed and are looking for short cuts. Gutless pussies.



Prophecies – Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce, Jeanne Dixon, The DaVinci code et al. Then there are the feeble-brained idiots who believe heart and soul in the mystic prophecies of various people. Like astrology, the prophecies given are very vague and open to so many differing interpretations as to be useless. Sure, in hindsight, the generality of the prophecies allows some events to seemingly fit the mold. Also, because of their vagueness, the events that people saw fitting the prophecies 100 years ago are different than today. Why? Because hindsight is always 20/20. For all we know, Nostradamus was writing about events as he saw them and what the next five years would look like, but wrote in such a vague manner as to avoid arrest and torture by those in power. And who swallows this bilge? Again, people who are afraid to face the future. The future is the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle in actions. Microcephalic twits.


Mental Powers – Uri Geller, John Edwards, et al. This group can be summed up in one word, FRAUD! That’s all they are. They use shills, questionnaires and other assorted sleight of hand magic tricks. Everything that Uri Geller did with his so called mental powers, The Amazing Randi (http://www.randi.org/) has duplicated. The thing is the Amazing Randi is a stage magician who has openly exposed these type of frauds. He has a standing reward of $1 million for anyone who can prove their “psychic powers” in a proper, scientifically controlled environment. To date not even Uri Geller or John Edwards have even dared to try and collect the reward. As for John Edwards and the people who communicate with the dead, they have shills that get information from audience members and feed it to him. Think of the movie Fletch and the faith healer. And by the way, The Amazing Randi has also reproduced John Edwards' results. John Edwards especially, and all the other assorted “mentalists” prey on those most vulnerable, the grieving. And people suck up the “mentalists’ “ swill like pigs at a trough because they are unwilling or unable to move on with their lives. They need a crutch to stand up with. Again, the weak and the needy flock to these types. Grow a goddamn spine you slinky-backed cows!



Mythic Beasts – Yeti, Bigfoot, Loch Ness monster, sea serpents, La Chupacabra. Please people do we really need to go over this? The Himalayas and the American Northwest are not conducive to a great ape type of creature living. Mainly due to a lack of leafy greens for them to eat. If you notice, all the apes, tend to tropical climates where there is lots of leafy greens. The Loch Ness monster would have stripped the loch bare of fish centuries ago and left either a corpse on the surface, or big bones somewhere. The time of the plesiosaur has come and gone. The loch is big, but not that big. Sea serpents are problematic, in that the ocean is so vast and inhabited by so many big creatures that what people are seeing as sea serpents are probably nothing more than a whale, or giant squid bobbing on the surface. However, we may still uncover big sea life yet, as most of the ocean remains unexplored. La Chubacabra, the Goat-sucker. Isn’t it amazing that no one has ever really seen this creature, or produced a real victim? But any and every uneducated lout south of the border is sure of its existence. The can believe in the chupacabra, but not in crossing borders illegally. And what types of people tend to believe these creatures exist? Poor, ignorant clods that have no real idea of what things look like and how things work. And those trying to make a buck off of their pea-brained beliefs. And the pathetic twits who are so desperate for any form of attention that they continue to propagate this crap. Do us all a favor and just remove yourself from the gene pool right now.


Lost Worlds – Atlantis, Lemuria, Mu, the “Lost World” As for Atlantis, Lemuria and Mu, they never existed. Period. How does science know this? Plate tectonics. The floor of the ocean has been mapped and how the various crustal plates interact is now understood. And you know what? There is no missing continent in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. You know what is there? The Mid-Atlantic Ridge, which stretches like a seam from Iceland to the Antarctic, where the European and African Plate are pulling away from the North and South American Plate. Same for any lost continent in either the Pacific or Indian Ocean. Never, ever existed. And as for a lost world at the center of the earth, well, unless you can magically change the rules of physics and chemistry, the only thing you find as you go deeper into the earth is heat and pressure, until rock liquefies and metals liquefy. Fortunately, science has done away with almost all the lost continent believers. Now, about the only people left who still cling to the idea of a lost continent are genuine lunatics and crack pots. Come here, try on this lovely, extra-long sleeved jacket….


Miscellaneous – Bermuda Triangle, Anal Probing Aliens. Oh lord, these are the most daft, irrational group of narrow thinking, delusional twits out there. The really amazing thing about the Bermuda Triangle, about half of the ships it supposedly claimed, sank, or disappeared outside the confines of the Bermuda Triangle. The squadron of torpedo bombers that disappeared? Well, the CO leading the squadron, was very bad at navigation. Turns out he was so fouled up he led them further and further astray until they ran out of gas. And with no search and rescue beacon, or without anyone knowing where they were, the pilots ended up dying and drowning. As for “ghost ships” people will sometimes leave a perfectly good boat if they think there is some imminent peril, and them get swept away from the vessel to disappear. But people chose not to exercise their brains, but are willing to suspend belief and get sucked into “the Triangle.” I bet they still believe that the government is here to help you and that Santa Claus really lives at the North Pole. Anal Probing Aliens (APAs) – Who out there but the gullible and the slow witted really and truly believe that aliens would come all this way just to shove probes up people’s asses? Really, now, think about it. I we can scan a whole body using MRI devices, I am sure aliens have ultra-sophisticated technology that allows them to generate a 3D model of us in seconds. But what types of people believe in and claim they were abducted by APAs? It is generally, uneducated people with little or no scientific background and who are desperate to lead a life bigger than their own pathetic little existence. Learn some real science and then talk to me.


Pyramids – A whole cult has grown up around the pyramids. Their sheer bulk and size almost defies belief. And that is the problem. People just cannot believe that raw physical labor built the pyramids. They cannot fathom that the Egyptians with basic tools built these massive structures. Therefore, they theorize that aliens must have done it. Or Atlanteans. Or by magic. Or by some super4-secret lost technology. But these same people give no thought that men, with tools not much more advanced than what the Egyptians used built the Great Wall of China, or the Erie Canal. Why. Because they are idiots who have no concept of the basics of science and mechanics. The Egyptians were very good engineers. The ground the pyramids sit on is almost level, with a variance of 1” from one corner to the one diagonally opposite it. The interior core (what we see today) was built from blocks quarried locally and rolled on logs to the sight and then hoisted in place. By the way, what these ass-hats fail to take into account is that modern Egyptians using steel tools (instead of bronze or copper) use the same methods to quarry rock from the same sites the pharaohs used. The core of the pyramids is not level or even, this only occurred when the final outer layer of smoothed, polished rock went on the outside. And the maximum work force at any one time was 25,000 to 30,000. It is how people paid their taxes. It’s called courvee labor. The Egyptians knew about the fulcrum and lever, wine, beer, geometry, geology, mechanics and physics. Couple that with the stable shape they chose and it becomes relatively easy to build a pyramid. Additionally, what every pyramid freak also conveniently overlooks is that there were earlier attempts, such as the bent pyramid, earlier step pyramids and masabas. And there is a reason that pyramids appear in Egypt, China, Central and South America and the Pacific. It is incredibly simple to build a step pyramid. So why do people insist on their idiotic pyramid theories, because they are ignorant about even the most basic of building principles. Frankly they should be beaten with a 2 x 4 until they understand.


Scientology – It is NOT a religion, it is a belief system that places the person at the center of the universe. It is the perfect belief system for narcissists who want to be the center of it all. Just look at the celebrities that are into Scientology. Also, people who are into Scientology are, frankly, dim bulbs. They know little or nothing of either the hard sciences, or things like psychology, neurophilosophy, and true value systems. And they never ever acknowledge this dirty little secret, the founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard, was a crappy sci-fi writer, who wrote crappy stories and made up words and untested, unproven theories about the mind and how it works. In short, Scientology was invented by a half-wit, who was a money-grubbing fraud. And his followers are no better. Yes, Mr. Cruise we recognize you know so much about psychiatry and psychology because of your degree(s) in……..? Oh, that’s right, you are a meat puppet! So you and all your Scientology nit-wits can sit down, shut up, grow some balls, get some discipline and become a Buddhist.

In short, all of these people that insist on following disproved and/or fantastical make-believe things need to be smacked upside their heads with a Bible/Torah/Koran to knock some sense into their heads. It makes me ashamed to be a human and makes me mad that I will never, ever have the time, energy and power to eliminate all of these retards. In the words of comic Carlos Mencias, “The problem with the world is that there are too many stupid people……..and not enough people to eat them!” Amen to that mi hermano.


Did you just have a vision of yourself posting in our forum? Creepy.

Manners
Posted by Ariat on Saturday, June 11 2005


Almost every day as I walk out of work, some asshole in front of me lets the door slam in my face. Now don’t feed me that feminist bullshit; I know that I am perfectly capable of opening the door myself. But isn’t it common courtesy to hold the door for someone when you see them coming? And not just for a woman. I hold the door for other people, too, especially old people and moms with strollers. Letting it slam in someone’s face is fucking rude.

It wouldn’t kill people to mind their manners. Yes, even Orcs need manners (And guys, it could also get you laid.) When’s the last time you wrote a thank-you note for something and mailed it? I mean by putting it in a mailbox, not e-mail. I know of two instances when writing a thank-you note after a job interview helped me get hired.

I hope you already say “please” and “thank you” regularly. Yes, you should even say it to the person working the drive-through at Wendy’s. I don’t care if he or she is getting paid to do the job. Showing that you have manners is a reflection of yourself. I know some little kids that say “please” and “thank you” more often than adults. Kids are cute, but kids with manners are even cuter.

Having manners isn’t always about being polite, but also about not being gross. Be considerate to the people around you – they don’t want to see you pick your nose or adjust your balls or clean out the crud from under your fingernails with your pocketknife. And they don’t want to shake hands with your after you went to the bathroom and wiped your ass but didn’t wash your hands.

I’m not even going to go into belching and farting in public. Of course, it’s polite to do that in the bathroom, but I don’t think this is an appropriate audience for that. And I’m not going to lecture you on putting your napkin in your lap or keeping your elbows off the table – but for Christ’ sake, chew with your mouth closed, you disgusting ape! Don’t be so inconsiderate as to ruin the appetites of everyone around you. And finally, please don’t talk with food in your mouth. I don’t want particles of your nasty chewed food landing on my plate.
Thanks for your time…


Would you please join us in the forum? Thank you.

Idiot Driver Checklist
Posted by mach5potato on Monday, May 16 2005


I bitch a lot about other drivers on the road. They cut you off, almost run you off the road, then flip you off and call you the idiot. They read, drink, sleep, use a laptop, apply makeup, eat, and dance…all while driving! I’ve decided as a public service to issue this list of car accessories watch out for as you’re out on the road trying to stay alive.

1. Jesus Fish: -50 driving skill points, –25 IQ points

Maybe the most feared symbol out there, this person is showing you they aren’t afraid to die. They think they are going to a better place, and they’re in a hurry to get there! If God were here he’d tell it to their face, “Man you fucking guys can’t drive!”

2. NASCAR stickers: +10 aggressiveness, –50 IQ, +65% chance of driving drunk

Warning, NASCAR sticker guy will try to run over you. Usually seen in an F-250 or larger, you’ll recognize him as the bumper in your rear-view mirror. They will follow two centimeters behind you doing 90 on the Interstate. You’re never fast enough. They will not change lanes to pass; you are expected to speed the fuck up.

3. Obvious car-model windshield sticker: +10 ricer mentality (race everyone, anytime, even grandma in her Buick), +50% probability of no High School Diploma

I bet you’d have never known that car was a Civic; thank God for that big sticker in the windshield that reads “CIVIC”! Whew. I don’t see enough of them on the road, thanks for pointing it out, ass-cave.

4. Weed stickers: +75% chance of going 5 MPH under the speed limit, +75% probability of being pulled over and having anal cavity searched, -30 IQ points

You smoke weed? You drive a car? You smoke weed in your car? Why not tell the entire planet about it! I mean the cops aren’t going to catch on and bust your stupid ass. Not with you driving so slow and carefully, nah, nobody has any clue. (See also Grateful Dead Bears, Sublime stickers)

5. Plastic “chain” license plate cover: +25% chance of gun in car, +45% chance of car being driven by a Mexican, +75% probability of car being valued less than $1,500 and uninsured

These fucking things impress nobody. They look like shit and your car is fucking junk. The $5 you wasted on the plastic piece of shit would have been better spent on some touch-up paint to fix that shitty car, Javier.

I hope this list will save at least one life. Pay attention to the signs and be alert to avoid these morons and you too just may arrive at your destination with all your appendages still attached.

Got something to add? Come to the forum.

Accessory Dogs
Posted by Rat_Bastard on Wednesday, April 27 2005


Ok, I've had just about e-goddamned-nough of seeing every bubble-headed flash-in-the-pan hollywood whore toting around a fucking chihuahua. Paris Hilton and her mutt. Now her cunt friend Nicole Ritchie lugs one around with her. Britney Spears. What next? How about tie two of them together and use them as a bra?

This is a lot like gangsta rappers posing with a big jungle cat to seem more hardcore. Except it's just some talentless bitch with an annoying little dog.

I'll admit, I just plain don't like it when people drag their animals around with them, especially to the store. What exactly do these girls do with the dog during the award show/ movie premiere they're attending? Stuff it in a purse? Jam it up their dirty whore vaginas? Who knows? Who cares, I'm famous and cute, tolerate me taking my fucking dog with me!

I have an idea. Why don't we just take these women and poke their eyes out with a rusty piece of rebar, so at least they have a legitimate reason for bringing a dog with them everywhere?

How about this--instead of a little dog, how about a little person? Buy yourself a midget to carry around in one of those baby slings. You can even put a diamong collar on them too! Or a starving african baby? You can get them from Sally Struthers for less than the price of a cup of coffee. Actually, that was the tag line in the 80's, before coffee was $4 a cup. I guess now it's 'for less than the price of cheese on your burger.' We can even get Make-A-Wish in on it, you can wear a dying cancer-kid on your back for the
night's event.

Enough already. Just ENOUGH. Stop with the little dogs. You're not cute. You're talentless. Your 15 minutes are almost up, and you'll just give the dog to the maid for her kids and she'll actually kill it in some Santeria blessing thing to win the lottery.

Do you have the urge to stomp a fucking chihuahua? You're not alone. Come talk to like-minded people in the forum.

I Hate the Things You Like
Posted by mach5potato on Thursday, April 7 2005


I’ve finally accepted the fact that I hate everything. I used to lie to myself and think that I wasn’t a total prick. Now I say fuck it. I’m a huge prick. If you like something chances are I hate it. Why? Fuck you! That’s why!

I hate Star Wars. I hate the stupid fucking dialog and costumes. I hate the fans that wait in line for days to see the stupid fucking movie and then run home and post how great the stupid fucking movie was on their stupid fucking websites. I hate seeing the stupid fucking fuckers waiting in line to buy the stupid fucking cheap toys in the stupid fucking mall. I hate Carrie Fischer. George Lucas couldn’t write a good script to save his life. The entire series was a plot to sell toys and you morons ate it up. Shame on you, assholes!

I hate pop music. I hate fucking rap, I hate fucking dancing, and I hate fucking modern ‘rock and roll’. I hate these little punk bands that paint their eyes black and cry to impress the little tramps. I hate rappers that have no musical talent at all, yet somehow manage to rob suburban white kids of hundreds of millions of dollars. I really fucking hate the words “bling-bling”. You look like an idiot. Your $5,000 rims on your $1500 Honda look like ass, you fucking moron.

I hate TV. I hate NYPD Law and Order: SVU Special Semen Detection Unit Miami. I hate Fear Factor. I hate how mainstream The Family Guy became. I hate college sports. I hate people that discuss American Idol and people that actually give a shit who sung what and who got kicked off. I hate the news. I hate the fact that unless someone died it won’t make the airwaves. I hate modern cartoons. I hate that cartoons must now have ‘educational value’. Why? Why can’t we just be fucking entertained? Why after a whole day of learning at school can’t my kid come home and just be a fucking kid?

I hate your car. I hate pricks in BMWs that act like they own the road. I hate pricks in Mustangs that try to race my Cavalier. I hate idiots in Honda Accords that stick huge coffee can exhausts on their car in an attempt to hide the fact that their car is indeed slow (and now loud). I hate people in SUVs that bitch about gas prices. I hate people that drive foreign cars and then slap USA stickers all over them.

I hate morning radio. I hate that all you need to work in morning radio is a fistful of fart jokes and www.fark.com. I can read all the headlines off of Fark and the very next day I will hear every story rehashed on the radio. Do some fucking research you assholes! I hate how people bitch about where they live on the radio. Don’t like it here? Fucking move! God, it’s not that hard to figure out.

I hate diets. I hate carbs. I hate your diet pills. I hate your latest exercise regimen. I hate people that order a salad, and then cover it in 32 ounces of Ranch dressing and bacon bits and cheese. Why am I getting fat? I’ve been eating salad! I hate people that don’t eat meat. Rip out your fucking canines with rusty pliers if you think man is an herbivore, moron. I hate society that can’t understand the only way to lose weight is to eat less and exercise more.

I hate that men have to buy shit for every fucking holiday for their women. Just when you think that you have a little spare cash Hallmark steps in and creates a new if-you-love-her-you’d-buy-her-useless-shit holiday. Why isn’t there a day for men? Beer Day or some shit. Just one day a year for the wife to shut the fuck up and fix me a steak and a blowjob.

I hate the internet. I hate the slack jawed fucks that pollute the once sacred bandwidth that was the WWW. I hate the fact that most of you probably won’t read down this far. I hate the fact that this website would get 50 times more traffic if we just did retarded cartoons and funny “owned” pictures. What happened to reading? I hate webmasters that make you pay for content and try to sell you their cheaply made merchandise. I hate ads. If you loved your website you’d never put an ad on it.

That’s about all the hate I can stand for now. Rest assured if I missed something you like I hate it too. Oh, and I hate you. Yes, you. And your mom. I really hate that bitch.


Love me? Hate me? Want to talk to me? The forum is a great place to do just that.

i'm lovin' it
Posted by mach5potato on Wednesday, March 2 2005


When I was a kid there was only one place that I wanted to go if we went out to eat. The place? Why, the happiest place on Earth of course: McDonalds! I loved the way the greasy cheeseburgers and fries slid down my throat. I loved the fountain pop as it gave me the sugar buzz I needed to torment my parents for hours. Then to top off the little individually wrapped slices of heaven, they would throw in a toy. Fucking A! Nothing could be better for a young one than a Happy Meal.

Flash forward 10 years. I found myself alone as a man of 18. I really only had my car, my job, and McDonalds to keep me alive. I ate McDonalds probably 14 times a week. It was no longer about the fun and the toy, now it was a matter of making the hunger pains stop. You could pop in and out and be full in a matter of 10 minutes and 3 dollars. How can you beat that? Oh, it is relevant to mention that at the peak of my McDonalds eating career I was 5 feet 11 inches tall and weighed 120 pounds, underweight by all body mass index charts. Kiss my ass Spurlock.

Now I find myself in 2005. The days of 2 McDonalds meals a day are over. The days of being excited about Happy Meal toys are long gone. Now I am married with child and McDonalds is a godsend. Running late? Hit up McDs. Nothing thawed for supper? Hit up McDs! Sure the food tastes like ass, but man is it convenient. But for some reason (money) people have decided to attack the Arches and try and topple the Burger Kingdom. Ass-clowns like Morgan Spurlock and just about any left-winger you’ll have the unfortunate pleasure of talking to love to bash the Arches. It’s the new DDT.

When did it become the corporation’s job to raise your children? How can you blame a company for making you fat? Did Ronald come to your home and put a gun in your face? Did the Burger King himself steal away your child and force Whoppers down their throat? No? Then why the hell do you think you can sue these corporations for making you fat? You made you fat, fatty! Are you trying to tell me that the grease dripping off of the Big Mac wasn’t enough to tell you that this may not be health food? God, how you people haven’t died from drinking bleach is beyond me.

McDonalds does more good than harm in my opinion. I’ll use my wife’s hometown as an example. About 10 years ago McDonalds expressed interest in opening a restaurant in her town. The town is very rural and small, around 500 or so people. The town voted and said no. So McDs went down the road 20 miles to the next town. Guess what happened? That town down the road exploded into a city! Now they have bowling alleys, grocery stores, shiny new cop cars, nice new roads, and people pouring off the interstate with their fat wallets. All of this can be traced back to one event: the opening of that first McDonalds. It was the catalyst that a once tiny speck on the map needed to turn into a Mecca of commerce. Where you may never find a job in my wife’s town, this other town is hiring the masses in full force. Thanks McDonalds, you kick ass!

So my points are that you only have yourself to blame if you’re fat, and McDonalds is good for America and the world. If you disagree then you are not very bright and probably a liberal. Go hug a tree and blame all your problems on corporations. It must be so easy to live with no personal responsibility. Your parents failed you.

Are you depressed because Ronald is getting more action than you? Come tell your pathetic tale in the forum.

Death Penalty
Posted by CaptainKickback on Sunday, February 20 2005


Before anyone start fulminating, let me say up front that I am in favor of the death penalty. I would have no problem pulling the switch, dropping the tablet, pushing the plunger, yanking the lever, or saying “fire.” And just so there is no confusion, I think we already have way too many gun control laws and that if a woman wants an abortion, she should be free to get one.

But, back on target is the death penalty. My biggest gripe is that although a number of states have death penalty laws on the books, they are very difficult to get done as there is a mass of bleeding heart saps who think that everyone deserves to live and that no one should die for killing other people.

Ironically, a number of people who oppose the death penalty consider themselves to be Christian. Yet even a religious neophyte such as I seems to recall something about “an eye for an eye” in the Bible. I wonder how many of these people would be so compassionate if it was their loved ones(s) who were killed.

Even better is when the Catholic Church gets involved, proclaiming that the death penalty is unwarranted. Gee, are they trying to atone for all the people the Catholic Church has killed and maimed over the years. I guess it’s okay to kill, maim and torture people in the name of God and church, but heaven forbid regular, non-religious people try to do it. The one word that comes to mind is hypocrite.

Even the current Pope, John Paul II has chimed in against the death penalty. I would have a question for His Eminence – when you were a Polish partisan in WWII and after under communist rule, how many people did you take confession from who had killed Nazis or communists? So it’s okay when your people do it to kill murders, but no one else can. The one word that comes to mind is hypocrite.

And then there are all the whipped nations of Europe who now say the death penalty should be abolished. Of course a lot of the European countries who are yelling the loudest are the ones who used death sentences for purely political means. And by European countries, I mean France, Germany and Italy, countries that killed thousands upon thousands because the ruling government did not like their political views. It’s not America’s fault that we don’t have this collective national guilt hanging over our heads. I guess the Europeans feel so guilty that they are trying to impose there guilt on us, just so they can feel better and morally superior. My word for them is – hypocrite.

By instilling fear into people that they can pay the ultimate price for killing someone, it will probably deter a few people. It might make all the gang-banging thug-wannabee little bitches rethink randomly spraying a crowd of people, or a house with bullets, especially if the process is sped up. Hey you killed a few people? Be a man about it and take your punishment. After all that is what a man does. It’s only the little punk-bitches that try to squirm out of their responsibilities, and if you’re a gang-banger, you are a man aren’t you?

Actually, I have a very tidy solution for resolving the death penalty matter once and for all. All the saps and bleeding hearts that don’t want any murderer to die has obviously volunteered to pay for the cost of feeding and clothing the murder until they pass away of natural causes. You also get to pay for their interminable appeals, their medical care and other incidental costs. If all the individuals, groups, organizations, churches and governments who don’t want the US to use the death penalty on killers, then they can pay us. And if they don’t have enough money to cover every killer on death row, too bad. If they lack the money, they get to pick who lives and who dies. That’s it for them. Put up, or shut up. Money talks and bullshit walks.

Remember the words of Cardinal Richlieau, “Kill them all, God will know his own.”


Got something to add? Talk to us in the forum.

Adult Children
Posted by mach5potato on Monday, January 31 2005

Let me begin this rant with a small disclaimer: This rant is based on my recent personal life events and is directed at my deadbeat friends from High School. Any similarities you see in yourself and said deadbeats are accidental and unfortunate. Unless you are one of my old chums, in which case I invite you to eat a large portion of elephant seal taint.

I will start with some background info on myself. I grew up in a low-income suburb of Des Moines, IA. I went to a very small Elementary School there. There weren’t a lot of choices for friends, seeing as our class was composed of 30 kids. You got what friends you got and you were pretty much stuck. Because of the small sizes, what friends I made stuck around from Elementary School through High School. That means I’ve known these assholes for 20 years now.

We’ve all grown to adults (in body at least for some). I seem to be the only one who moved on. A good percent of these ‘friends’ still live at home with parents. At the age of 25 they live at home! Some did move out, only to work shit jobs and squeak by life. Others I have lost contact with for one reason or another. I can assume at least 2 are in jail or prison and maybe a couple are dead, I don’t know.

That’s great m5p, but why do I give a shit and what pissed you off, you may be asking. Well I’m getting to that you impatient slut! So I have a small child, wife, house payment, morning chores, and pets to take care of. I go to sleep early, yes even on weekends. Saturday night I get a call early afternoon. It’s from an old ‘friend’. I can hear bar-related noises in the background, as well as some slurs from another ‘friend’.

“Hi! What are you doing,” the familiar voice mutters. “Well I’m helping my wife fold and put away laundry,” I reply. “Can I call you later?” At this point I hear what I can only guess was the time honored phrase ‘pussy whipped’ and then he hangs up on me. Whatever, you live with your mom and know nothing of household chores. I’m slightly pissed for a few minutes, but it passes. No sweat off my sack as the theologians say these days.

Flash forward to 11:00 PM the same night. Phone rings. My wife darts for the phone because her brother is in Iraq and he calls at really strange times. She is greeted to a nice string of expletives, swears, and incoherent babble. Still thinking it may be her bro she tells him to try and call back as the connection may be bad. She hangs up and the phone immediately rings again. This time I can tell it’s the douche bag gang harassing me. I yell for them to get a life (prank calls from 25-year-olds mind you) and hang up. Now I’m pissed. The phone doesn’t ring again and I go back to sleep thinking that’s over.

Now it’s 1:00ish AM. Ring! Ring! What the fuck? Now I’m red hot smoking pissed. “Hello,” I scream in the phone. “Hi! Is this Joe?” a female voice says. “Yes! And fuck you, you have no right to call my home this late. Goodbye!” I reply. Hang up. Ring! Ring! I figured out the voice. It is that of one of the ‘friends’ girlfriend. To make the story sweeter this person just had a child in October and is now at the bar making prank calls at 1:00 AM to a person she doesn’t even know. Gee, I bet you’re going to make a really good mother.

Anyway, I took the phone off the hook to get some sleep and drafted an email to the main instigator the next day. Their reply was hilarious to say the least. According to the brilliant e-mail I deserve to be harassed for becoming a success. I ‘had it coming’ as they say because I abandoned them and got some ‘fancy school degree’. Now I’m not out drinking, getting DUIs, and living in a shit-hole town with my parents like the rest of them. Well fuck! I guess I’m in the wrong here. Please, come and egg my house and call and order pizzas in my name too. That’ll teach me to secure my future! What was I thinking? I guess the right thing to do would be to burden my parents and never strive for personal betterment. I’ll get right on that you ignorant fuck-sticks.

I apologize if this rant was boring to read. It was for my benefit. Call it blowing off some steam. I’m sure lots of people had to shake off their loser friends; maybe you can share your horror stories in the forum.

And to you, loser ex-friends, I think if I have the means one day I’m going to buy your mortgages. That way every month you’ll have the joy of filling out a check with my name on it. Maybe I’ll even get to evict you when you choose beer over a payment. Please grow up. It’s not cute anymore. You’re grown men, mommy shouldn’t have to take care of you anymore. It’s not fair to mom, and you’re robbing yourselves out of a decent future. Oh yeah, I’m having your phone numbers blocked too assholes. Grow up! I did, and it’s wonderful.

Think your friends from High School were even bigger losers than mine? Come spout off in our forum.

Economic Fear-mongers
Posted by CaptainKickback on Thursday, January 13 2005

Everywhere you turn today, you have some meat-puppet droning on and on about how China is going to take all of our jobs, buy the entire country, and drain us like a bottle of cheap muscatel. Or how we are economically going to hell in a hand-basket. These folks are idiots.

They have made an entire industry off of giving out information that causes people to panic, make irrational investment decisions, and buy their book, which magically has all the investment secrets of the world in it. These so-called business experts do nothing more than stir the pot to promote themselves. Worse yet is that their view of the economy is skewed and their historical knowledge and perspective is laughable at best.

The first big panic is that America is losing jobs to Third World countries and it will ruin us. Well, they are almost half right. Yes we are losing jobs to Third World countries, but we keep creating more than what we lose. Our national unemployment rate is around 5%, or less. There is almost no place in the industrialized world where this rate is lower. In fact, in Europe, that worker’s utopia, unemployment has hovered in the low double digits for better than a decade and in some countries, close to two decades.

The second big panic is that we are losing valuable tech sector jobs to Third World countries. Again, so what? If a company can provide tech support from an off shore location that meets its customers’ needs, it can pass the savings on to consumers and stockholders. If it is a bomb, they will bring that service back on shore. Grow up people, it’s called business. It’s the free market and the free market is the most efficient way to buy and sell things, whether it’s goods, services or information.

Besides, by exporting these jobs oversees it means there is far less incentive for everyone and their dirty, unwashed uncle to come to the country illegally. Hell, the exporting of jobs keeps out illegal immigrants. People in America ought to be goddamn grateful that we can export these jobs and keep the unwashed masses in their own countries. You can’t have it both ways people. If you want them to stay there, they need the jobs. If you want to keep all the jobs here, expect them to bum-rush the border. Grow up and face reality.

The most recent and laughable panic being put forth is that China (PRC) is going to take over America. They are buying our companies, they are selling us cheap goods, and may start buying our real estate. Run! Run! The sky is falling!! IDIOTS! It never, ever occurs to people why foreigners like buying America, our companies, our real estate. Foreigners do so because we are safer for their investments than anywhere else in the world.

Big deal, IBM sold its personal computer division to a Chinese company. Frankly, the Chinese probably got screwed. IBM personal computers do nothing more than a Toshiba, or Dell, or Gateway, and did it for a rather hefty price above what everyone else charged. It’s a win-win scenario. IBM drops an albatross, rewards consumers and stockholders and the Chinese feel good and can put more of their people to work in China, rather than palming them off on us. And if the Chinese want to buy US real estate, let them. Plenty of people will gladly overcharge them and when the bubble bursts, buy it back for nickels on the dollar.

Don’t believe me? In the 1980’s everyone had their panties in a bunch about Japan. Japan was swamping us with cheap goods, Japanese companies were buying US companies left and right and they were gobbling up our real estate. Oh my god, Japan is going to swallow us the way Godzilla swallows a tuna. It reached its zenith when the Japanese bought Rockefeller Center.

Some 15 to 20 years later, let’s look at things. The bubble burst. Japanese stocks and their stock market are about 1/3rd of where they were at their peak. Japanese companies are still trying to shape themselves to be more like American companies. And they sold the real estate back and took a serious hosing. Rockefeller Center was bought back by the company that sold it for 40% less than what they sold it for.

The Koreans, Thai and other Asian countries had a similar run in the 1990’s. Same result. So now it’s China’s turn. Bully for them. Welcome to the world of high stakes business. I guaran-damn-tee that in 15 years or so, we will look back and marvel how the Chinese could have so over-reached and so over-paid for things. Then the pundits will finally realize they have seen this pattern before. IDIOTS!!

And finally, these economic fearmongers put out so much financial pornography it makes Larry Flynt blush. Hell, even Larry Flynt won’t abase himself to that degree. A study was done regarding the advice Money Magazine gave in a one-year period. If the magazine had been a stockbroker, it would have had its licensed yanked for blatant churning. Of course to be fair, Money Magazine is to investing what People magazine is to hard, empirical research. And avoid so-called newsletters like the plague. The people that put them out are making all of their money from the newsletter. After all, who do you want to pattern your portfolio after, the guy pimping his scheme on TV, or Warren Buffet?

My only advice is to keep your job skills sharp, keep expanding your job skills and look out for number one, because no one else will. It may be cruel, harsh and difficult, but the free market system, if not screwed around with by governments and politicians, is the most efficient, effective and swiftest distributor of resources, bar none. But you have to know this, accept this, and plan for it.

If you read it in Forbes it has to be the truth, right? Come babble on for hours about how Bush sold us out in our forums.